Dear Dating Coach,
I am about to get engaged. I am super excited and a bit nervous. I know that he is the right one. I just always thought he would be ‘more right.’ He is a bit shorter than I like, and wants to live in a neighborhood I don’t love. His family is different than mine in many ways that I wasn’t expecting. Not bad, just different. Definitely something to get used to. And he is more idealistic than I am. All these things are small in comparison with everything that is right and I know this. I am sure he is the right choice for me, I just always thought the fit would be exact, like two puzzle pieces. How do I let this thought go as I head into a happy time?
Almost Exact
Dear Almost,
Good news. I am teaching my preschooler how to sweep, so if you are looking for inexpensive, inefficient, and inexperienced household help, look no further. And yes, it is not going well. Thank you for asking. There are technical issues; big broom, small person… and there are motivational issues, as in my precious mini doesn’t care about sweeping. Like. At. All. I just thought that it would be brilliant! (Okay, at least marginally smart?) to combine the bearer of all crumbs with a broom; giving me a solution to my problem packaged in one little human. Not my greatest idea. The crumbs seem to increase under my cutie’s tutelage and our dustpan has been used for everything except crumb collection like “dusthorse riding” and “dustsword fighting.” So let me know if you need cleaning help and you like crumbs. Because I have finally accepted the preschooler’s gospel; ‘life is messy.’
I Love You to Pieces…
Mazel tov on your upcoming engagement. What an exciting time! You are looking forward to starting this next chapter with someone you believe is the right match for you. You worry just a teeny tiny bit about the unexpected parts of this match. Everything is good, but not exactly as you imagined it would be. You know this is still right and are happy to take this leap, you just wonder about the imperfections and want to make sure that it is OK to notice them and perhaps, ignore them.
No couple has a completely seamless dating experience. None. Sure, some daters go through this process with ease and some struggle, but regardless, there is no perfect dating journey. There is always a question about something someone said or did, there are family backgrounds to assess, and there are the small idiosyncrasies we all possess. Even Cinderella struggled (overbearing family involvement) and we know what happened to Juliet (mental health issues). There is no missing puzzle piece. There are two whole and aligned blocks that create a foundation for growth and joy.
It’s OK to notice the unexpected. And it’s also OK to take the time to realign your vision until you feel comfortable with the adjusted picture. Focus on the core connection that you have, on your chemistry, and on the happiness that you feel with the person you know is right. Life is messy. But your future looks bright.