Some other red flags: when a person spontaneously and angrily talks about exes on dates, reschedules a date more than once without an emergency situation, or talks about engagement or marriage right away. On a recent date, a man kept insisting that I couldn’t order the same dish he was having since that wasn’t creative. He also pressed me to order more food although I said I wasn’t that hungry. Red flag: controlling. On another date, a man acted pained by the $5 parking bill. Red flag: financial troubles.
Gil: Red flags are absolute deal breakers, but not always easy to spot. You need to find out where your line is; it’s empowering to know what you won’t stand for. At the same time, don’t use “red flags” as a weapon of mass destruction. I have a friend who always lets me know that her dates showed her red flags. After the fifteenth time, I asked her if it was her dates, or if she was dropping the “Red Flag Bomb” on them all. My rule of thumb is to always give people the benefit of the doubt, but if they do it twice, you have a good indication that the behavior is a set pattern.
Attraction
Gil: Attraction is a big deal. Chazal have told us that we should not marry someone we are not physically attracted to. It sounds sexist, but marriage will bring up some incredible tests. And you never want to end the day with either party feeling that one is not attracted to the other. This is one of the biggest deal breakers when it comes to dating. If there is no basic attraction it’s not worth seeing where the dating process will go. At best, someone will get hurt.
Alanna: I’m comfortable continuing to date someone that I may feel physically neutral about until things are a clear “yes” or “no.” There are too many people who say that attraction doesn’t matter and as long as you’re with a good person, it will grow. I disagree. There has to be a basic level of attraction in order to build a relationship. Can we be attracted to someone’s personality and then see that person as attractive? Yes. However, a physical attraction to that person must still be there.
If we could sum up dating advice in one word, it would be: Hope. Keep it, sustain it, nurture it. Hope seems closer at times and more elusive at others. The bottom line is that this test, your test, is made for you specifically, to help you realize your strength and acknowledge your endurance. G-d is there for you. Count on Him; tell Him everything. Scream, laugh, cry, demand, say what you need and mean what you say. May you be blessed with ultimate clarity.
*An excerpt from “The Dating Diaries” written by Gil Poznanski and Alanna Fine
