Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged! He is really wonderful and I am so excited to marry him! We got engaged last week though, and I was expecting flowers or “something” for Shabbos – and nothing! He called to wish me a good Shabbos, but that was it! I can’t believe he didn’t send me anything! He is really kind and thoughtful, don’t get me wrong, and I don’t want to make this a whole “thing,” but my feelings are hurt. Now I am worried that he is going to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and all special occasions! Do I keep my mouth shut or do I say something?
Flower Power
Dear Flower,
Husband: Honey, is something wrong? Your eye is twitching.
Wife: I’m fine.
Husband: Are you upset I bought the superblaster9000 for the car?
Wife: I’m fine.
Husband: Is it the mess in the garage? That I ate the last cupcake? My mother? I’ll return the superblaster!
Wife: I’m fine.
Husband: Ok. If you are sure…
(Lightning flashes! Thunder booms!)
Wife: I AM FFIIIINNE!
Comm…
Mazel tov! What a special time for you! You are thankful to be engaged to a great guy who means so much to you. You were hurt however, that he neglected to send flowers (or any gift) to you for Shabbos. You did not mention if you hoped for flowers every week or just the first week of your engagement. Regardless, the lack of flowers upset you. You are now also concerned that this means that he will not recognize momentous occasions in general.
uni…
Take a deep breath. You are lucky. You met your bashert and are planning a future with someone who you believe is “kind and thoughtful.” Flowers for Shabbos are certainly not mandatory, but are clearly important to you. To you, flowers symbolize romance and care, showcasing his feelings for you. Gifts honoring birthdays, anniversaries and more, matter to you. They will be reminders that he is thinking of you and your relationship. Everyone is different, with their own needs and wants to feel close to their partners. Flowers for Shabbos and gifts may not mean much to another kallah, but to you, they have significance and weight. (This is less about extravagance and more about recognition. This does not need to be necessarily expensive.)
cate.
Unless you neglected to mention it in your question, I will assume his is not a mind-reader, a clairvoyant, or have telepathic powers. He cannot see your thoughts. He does not know that this matters to you. Time to communicate. With kindness and care, tell him the truth. Explain that you are a girl who would love flowers for Shabbos, that gifts are so meaningful to you, and that celebrating big moments with attention are important to you. Remember that a connection is the greatest gift of all, and remind your chosson that you value him always above all else, and any gifts of course. But don’t present him with a “test” he doesn’t know he is taking or a conversation he never has the chance to have. Communicate and you will, actually, “be fine.”
