Dear Dating Coach,
I spent a week traveling out of the country with a close friend and we met some people we knew who invited us to an impromptu party of other travelers. There, I met *Dov, and we hit it off right away and spent the entire party talking. We exchanged information and he expressed interest in getting together when we were both back in the U.S. after our trips. Meeting and connecting with a guy I was not set up with is not something I have ever done, but I really felt great talking to him that night. When I got back, I brought this up to my family and they were happy to do some research. They called shadchanim and friends who knew Dov and really did their due diligence. Unfortunately, everything they heard about him was terrible. People felt compelled to tell them about his dishonesty, his issues with anger, and his inability to commit to anything or anyone. I feel like a fool. I really liked him. Now I don’t trust myself and still a part of me wants to date him. I am so confused. Should I leave this alone? Please help!
Date Mirage
Dear Mirage,
I spent a summer in Ukraine. The camp I worked in was not famous for its accommodations or the food that they served. But there was a magical room at camp that everyone loved but dared not enter. It was a small space, lined with shelves from floor to ceiling. On every shelf, huge, warm, gooey, kokosh cakes were placed to cool until small slices could be served to campers and staff. The smell was intoxicating. The kokosh cakes looked tantalizing. The room was off-limits. Twice a week, everyone was served a small slice and that was that. But we were hungry. Oh, so hungry. We would not eat the sausage and rice served for breakfast and could not stomach the porridge offered for lunch. One day, the scent simply overwhelmed us and we found ourselves sitting on the floor in the forbidden room, a full cake in each hand, happy in kokosh heaven. Suddenly, the door burst open, and three Ukrainian cooks looked aghast at the scene in front of them. Ten counselors, in a kokosh cocoon, eating our way through the bounty. We were never allowed near the kokosh again, and till this day, I hesitate if I am ever offered a slice.
Let Them Eat Cake.
Thank you for your letter. What a confusing position to be in. Here, you felt so sure in the providence of your meeting and the connection that you felt, and the facts don’t seem to line up. You met him and he was nice! Funny! Interesting! He liked you and you liked him. You were sure of it. This was a story for your grandchildren, and then the research your family carefully gathered told you another tale. Perhaps, the person you met didn’t offer you a full picture and you have been left confused and dismayed. You now question your own judgment and are still unable to fully close the door on the encounter that felt so real to you.
Sometimes we want something so much that we negate things that typically matter to us. You most certainly only want to date someone who has a strong moral compass, who is respected, and liked by those who know him. But in that moment of time, you wanted him to be right, and so in that moment, he was. It’s ok. Give yourself a break, and acknowledge the encounter for what it was; a fleeting thought, a misguided opportunity, a mirage. Trust instead those that know him in reality, over long periods of time, and in many different circumstances. They are likely right in their assessment and so it is time to move forward. The moment was real, even if the full story is not right for you. The kokosh looked good and it was right then. But not always, and not forever. Let it go, and focus on finding the healthy, right person for you.
