Dear Dating Coach,
I am in school full-time and I am overloaded with work. A name of a great guy just came up for me but he lives in another state. He is willing to travel (as long as I am as well) but I can’t seem to make it work! I don’t have any free days and can’t commit to traveling because I simply don’t have the time! Is it ok to put school first for now?
Single Student
Dear Student,
We’ve all heard the metaphor about the man drowning. He begs G-d to save him and along comes a rescue boat ready to throw him a lifeline. “No need to stop!” he shouts to the boat, “G-d is going to save me!” Reluctantly, the boat sails away into the horizon. Next, a lifeguard on a jet-ski drives by ready to save the man. “Keep going,” the man yells, “G-d is coming to get me!” The lifeguard begs him to reconsider, but eventually rides away. Next, a helicopter flies overhead and lets a rope down for the man to grab. “Go away!” the man screams. “I have faith in G-d! G-d will save me!” The helicopter hovers for a while and finally flies away. Soon the man gets too tired to swim and drowns. When he gets to heaven, he asks G-d, “Why didn’t you answer my cry for help?” To which G-d answers, “I sent you a boat, a jet-ski, and a helicopter! What more did you expect?!”
It is very commendable that you are diligently studying for a career in a field that you are passionate about. With all of life’s uncertainties, you are doing something concrete for yourself and your future. Even more so, you have made a strong commitment to your education and are laser-focused in achieving your goals, which highlights your diligence and drive. It is certainly your prerogative to prioritize your desire to work in a career of your choice. No matter what profession a woman chooses to pursue, whether it be a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker, she is entitled to her goals.
That being said, a commitment to marriage and family will always take precedence in the life of a religious woman. Politically correct wording and trending topics aside, every woman’s objective must always be to find her bashert so she can create an everlasting Jewish home in which she can raise her children. This does not mean that you cannot achieve success in a career. On the contrary, a woman who has her own goals and dreams is admirable and merit-worthy. However, we must never lose sight of our ultimate ambition, which is to create a family alongside a strong and thriving marriage. This must always remain our first priority, above jobs, classes, and deadlines.
G-d has sent you an opportunity to work toward this objective. A wonderful name has come up for you and you refuse to make it work. You rely on “ironclad” excuses that you can comfortably hide behind as you send your jet-ski away. Instead, you should decide to be a person who always tries to make things work. Even if this means that you have to fly out on a Sunday morning for one date and fly back on Monday morning to make it to your first class. If you are so blessed to connect with this new person, then you will be lucky to make that same trip over and over again.
In shidduchim, you always want to be a person who is amendable to ideas and open to suggestion. You must remind yourself again and again, not to turn away the “help” that comes your way. Coming home to an empty apartment, even after the most satisfying of days at work can make you feel hollow and alone. The career that you are working so hard for may feel diminished when only silence greets you at the door. Don’t let your ambition hold you back from finding your soulmate, because all of life’s goals are only enhanced and enriched with a spouse at your side.
