Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating someone and hope it is leading toward the chuppah. She is kind, smart, and I always enjoy being with her. We met on our own through friends and connect in many ways. However, she has certain hashkafas that differ from mine. For example, she does not plan to cover her hair after marriage and I want my future wife to cover her hair. She envisions a different type of education for her children and I hoped for a yeshiva environment. There are more of these small differences and I am hoping you can tell us how we can bridge the gap so that we can move forward to building a life together. We are already emotionally invested so please help!
Crossroads
Dear Crossroads,
I recently got off on the wrong stop on the highway. The exit I took was a “lock your windows and doors and don’t stop until you are back on the highway” kind of neighborhood. Broken windows left shattered glass on the sidewalks, graffiti lined the crumbling walls, and abandoned cars were left on the side of road. This neighborhood meant business and I was out of my league. Instead of listening to the common sense urging me to reconsider, I decided to follow my prodding Waze through the unfamiliar streets to get to my destination. I could save time getting there! This made sense! Four streets in, I knew I had made a mistake. There was a shot. Perhaps a car backfired. I did not wait to find out. I hightailed it right back onto the highway and took the smoother road. The straight path was simpler, a better bet, and got me to where I hoped to go.
A Goal…
Kudos to you for doing your best to meet new people through the dating process. It is always wonderful to connect with someone new and discover your commonalities. You met someone special with whom you have many shared interests and you are thinking of a future together. In your conversations however, you discovered underlying differences in hashkafa that you hope can be resolved. You want to move forward, but worry that your varying views may cause friction in the future. You want to make it work, and want to know how that can be done.
Without A Plan…
When hashkafa is not aligned, a relationship will most likely struggle. Even when two people have many things in common, even when there is chemistry, and a deep respect for one another – hashkafa inconsistencies can lead to discord. If you can come to an agreement about a specific path that you envision for your future family and home then of course, you can continue to grow together. If, however you are both set in your beliefs and don’t want change, then it may be time to move on without one another.
Is Just A Wish.
Your differences are not “small,” as you put it, they are the very foundation of your future. An uneven foundation does not allow for stability and strength in a marriage. Your variations in belief and practice may ultimately create resentment, disagreement, and confusion in your home. On the journey of life – you may both be on a path to the same destination, but your navigation leads you through two different roads. While hashkafa may not feel relevant now, it will feel monumental as you create a life and family. A detour at this moment may feel right in your heart, but let your mind do the driving for now.