Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged! After dating for a while, I finally met my match! We went on wonderful dates and I felt like we really got to know each other. But now that we are engaged, we are living in separate cities and will not be seeing each other much until the wedding. The distance is hard for me, and I feel doubts creeping in. I really dislike feeling any sort of indecision, and while I know in my heart that he is the right one, my mind is another story! How do I stop these new reservations and make them go away?!
Engaging Doubt
Dear Engaging,
I never got that O. Henry and his Gift of the Magi. The cliff notes for those that are unfamiliar, are man and wife want to buy each other holiday gifts but don’t have the means to do so. Wife has glorious hair and husband has a precious pocket watch. Wife cuts and sells her hair to purchase husband a chain for said watch and husband sells watch to buy special combs for wife’s hair. Both come home with their purchases to discover what the other has done and are left with unusable gifts that nevertheless are supposed to showcase the deep and abiding love they have for one another. Ugh. Every time I read this story I find myself muttering to myself in frustration. (Yes, I may need to have that checked out.) The answer seems so obvious and glaring that it makes me want to yell at the pages of the story. (Don’t do this. It scares people.) Truly – the present this couple really needed more than anything was the (free) gift of communication.
Silence is the Start…
Mazel Tov on your engagement! Being engaged can be a wonderful time and it can also present anxiety and worry as the wedding draws near. Your heart was sure when you said “yes,” but your inability to see and spend time with each other has given you a chance to focus instead on uncertainty. All alone, your mind wanders and worries, sparking reservations over this tremendous life commitment. The more time that you spend with your thoughts, the more your hesitation grows. A barely-there concern becomes a large fear and suddenly you wonder if you have made an enormous mistake.
Of a Broken Heart…
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Before you allow yourself to continue on this unproductive and dangerous path, take a deep breath and refocus. Revisit the steps that got you to this point. You had a great time dating and felt like you really connected. You felt sure when you got engaged that you finally met the right person for you. Then when you stopped speaking and spending time with one another, doubt moved in. Communication is clearly key here. It is time to pick up the phone, FaceTime, email, carrier pigeon, etc., and tell him how you have been feeling. Disconnected and unsure. Worried and anxious. It is likely that he has felt the same or will be able to allay all of your concerns with his reassurance. Communication is vital to any relationship and becoming engaged does not mean that you stop sharing with one another until you get married.
But Words are Going to Save Me.
It is imperative that you stay connected through the engagement process in the manner and amount that is comfortable to you BOTH. Discuss what those parameters are and then readjust as needed so that together, you navigate your engagement with security and ease. Communication will be the backbone of your marriage and the greatest gift that you can give each other now and always.