Dear Dating Coach,
I am writing regarding your response published two weeks ago (Timing Is Everything, Sept. 12) about the woman whose younger sister was getting engaged. You encouraged her to accept any feelings she might have (positive AND negative) and talked about timing. You got it all wrong. There is zero reason to feel anything but happy. It’s great if her sister gets engaged first. Your victim should put on her very best smile, her best attitude, and her best dress. With the onset of a whole new family entering the arena (the sister’s new in-laws), your victim can now meet a whole new set of people who might offer to fix her up. This is not sad. This is a beracha in the making. Get new glasses and see the light.
Rose
Dear Rose,
Thank you for your response. It is always fun to hear back from readers. While, I certainly appreciate a positive attitude, I am absolutely baffled by your letter. There are so many things that I find objectionable starting with the most glaring; your usage of the term “victim.” You called the letter writer a victim, as if she is maligned and begging for sympathy. She is NOBODY’s victim and I am surprised that someone who is encouraging positivity, would so disparage someone who is struggling. Feeling badly that she won’t be getting engaged before her younger sister, does not make her a victim in her eyes or anybody else’s. Her time has not yet come to meet her bashert and she understands that. She believes that she needs to continue to put in the work. She is not a victim, and calling her one only perpetuates the idea that her younger sister has somehow usurped her mazel.
I Failed My Empathy Test…
Secondly, as members of Klal Yisrael, I would hope that we would all offer empathy and compassion. Telling someone NOT to feel is not our way. Discouraging someone from feeling sad or mad or hurt doesn’t work. It doesn’t erase feelings. It only increases the pain, loneliness and self-doubt they might already be feeling. It directs those who are struggling and seeking help to feel their pain privately, by turning inward. We can’t just tell someone to dust themselves off and slap on some lipstick and a pretty dress.
But I Don’t Care.
Instead, I hope you can join me in offering care and support to the letter-writer. Let’s offer validation when someone shares their feelings with us. This will allow those feelings to dissipate, to ease over time, and to settle into what we hope will be positivity. Our acceptance will encourage our beautiful letter-writer to look for beracha, rather than an abrupt dismissal of her feelings. So, keep up the positivity. It’s so special to see things through rose-colored lenses. Just not at the expense of someone else’s feelings. Let’s get new glasses together and see the pain that others are in. Let’s offer love and in doing so we can bring more light into the world.