Dear Dating Coach,
I was dating someone for a while and I was sure that he “was the one.” We talked about the future and we really connected well. He is really everything I could have ever hoped for and I was over the moon excited. But he called me last night and told me that he needs to end things. I am absolutely devastated. I asked for more time, offered to take things slow, or to take a break. But he said that he has been conflicted for a while and doesn’t see a future with me. He said he was forcing things and ultimately believes that he would not be happy with me. I sat holding my phone for hours after hoping he would call back and say he made a mistake. Instead, the shadchan called to confirm everything he said. My heart is broken. What do I do now?
Down and Out
Dear Down,
My grandfather passed away on Pesach. We already miss him terribly. My grandfather often had a clever thought to share, and told stories in perfect detail. But in his lifetime, my Zaide showed his love in action above words. He showed his love in his dependability, in his commitment to his family, his friends, and his community. He showed his love in his generosity, his thoughtfulness, and his devotion. He worked hard and shared what he had with determination. He thought of everyone, cutting out articles he thought you might like, lending and giving money to those in need, and using his business acumen to help those around him succeed. My Zaide showed his love in his delight and careful documentation of every great-grandchild, in his respect for every human being, and by fighting for arichas yamin with everything he had. Yet, as my Zaide got older, I felt the need for his love in words as well. So every week, I began to end our phone calls with “I love you, Zaide.” There was always a beat of silence and then my Zaide would chuckle and reply, “I love you too, Henni dear.” My Zaide believed in love showed in action above words, but he gave me those words week after week, because I needed them. The action again defined who my Zaide was; a cut above.
I Can Let It Choose To Define Me…
I am so sorry that you are hurting. You met someone that you envisioned a lifetime with and now that has been ripped away. You were sure that he was right for you and being told that your feelings have not been reciprocated is very painful. Your heart was engaged and you started to plan your future together. He was clear in his message; he tried to make this work, but ultimately could not commit to forever with you.
Confine Me. Refine Me. Outshine Me…
Take time now to heal. If that is a week, a month, or more. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as you process this experience. It’s ok to feel the loss and pain as you embrace this unexpected detour. But be wary of the time. Be mindful of your future, and push yourself to work for your happiness. This means dating again with enthusiasm and hope. You cannot let this derail you as you work your way toward the chuppah. So, take the time to heal and then dust yourself off and fight for your future.
Or I Can Chose To Leave It Behind Me.
Most of all remember this; you deserve someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about them. It would be very difficult to feel like you had to constantly prove your worth and your connection. It would be painful to forever justify your relationship because your feelings are not mutual. It would be demeaning to believe that someone has settled for you. We pray instead that our spouse will appreciate all of us, as opposed to someone they have forced themselves to adjust to. A supportive husband will then freely offer you the love that YOU need, because he will be sure that his life is enriched every day that you are in it. Ultimately that reciprocation is what nourishes a relationship and love to blossom and grow. You will find someone who offers you what you need, and then it will be right.