Leonard Sax, in his book Boys Adrift, describes an interesting scenario. Three researchers were sent by the Ford Foundation to observe a classroom in an all-boys school with a male teacher. They critiqued what they felt was an unacceptable portrayal of gender:
The three authors [of the research] condemned the [school]…on the grounds that it strengthened gender stereotypes…. One teacher who received particularly severe criticism was a man who dared to speak to his students – all boys – about what it means to be a productive man. The teacher had said:
“We talked about strength, and we talked about self-control and being able to control your emotions and making sacrifices for others. You know, we talked about how if you have a family and you only have enough money for two cheeseburgers, you’re not going to eat…you know you are going to feed your wife and your kids and you wait.”
The researchers censured this teacher and castigated the tendency of other teachers to reinforce traditional gender stereotypes…. They were disappointed that boys “…were being told to be strong men and take care of their wives…. Traditional gender role stereotypes were reinforced and gender was portrayed in an essentialist manner” (Boys Adrift, 203–204).
One can easily see why the image of the man as the strong caretaker and the woman as the one-being-taken-care-of risks creating a patriarchal relationship that puts women and children in the same category. Yet, requiring a man to take responsibility doesn’t have to mean that the woman can’t take care of herself.
Obligating the man might be seen as an acknowledgement that if it isn’t safe for her to be vulnerable, a woman might, symbolically, take her heart off her sleeve and hide it behind a stonewall to keep it safe. Where would that leave society?
Halacha asks man to take responsibility not because women are weak and needy, but because we, as a society, are needy – life is about love, so we have to make it safe to love.
Perhaps today’s accomplished woman can wrestle all the lions and tigers and bears by herself, but when she does, she may not have a lot of room left in her life for vulnerability. When a man is obligated to her, when he is told that he is responsible to “gladden his wife’s heart,” she no longer has to be an undercover agent. She – and he together – get to teach the world about love.
Judaism – which is more into equity than equality – has no problem saying that men and women relate differently to relationships. It also tells us that the voice of love is the one we had better make sure doesn’t get squashed, because without it life becomes a very lonely island.
Boot Camp For Men
If we had to find one word to describe the difference between men and women in halacha it would be obligation. Men have to pray three times a day, and go out to minyan no matter what the weather. They have to put on tallit and tefillin. They are supposed to learn Torah every spare minute. For a man who takes his religious obligations seriously, life is a pretty obligating affair.
Under the chuppa it is he who gives her a ketuba. Instead of casting him as a reluctant participant in a ceremony designed to rob him of his freedom – the unspoken message of wild bachelor parties held the night before a wedding – halacha casts him as the proactive initiator. He commits to her, he promises to support her, he obligates himself to take care of her needs.
