Dear Dating Coach,
I am a people pleaser and it has been affecting my dating life. I find myself agreeing to dates I don’t want to go on, going to places where I feel uncomfortable (axe throwing!), and going out with people I don’t connect with. I want to stand up for myself, but I feel like I need to be amenable in order to find my bashert.
Yes Ma’am
Dear Ma’am,
We signed up for a baking workshop and learned how to make pretzels. We went in with great bravado, ready to become pretzel professionals. Surely, this would be easy. We pictured our success and the pretzel empire that we would create. “Pretzel Princess” would quickly become a household name – the only pretzel worth eating of course. The dough process went smoothly, and we watched it rise along with our egos. We had this in the pretzel bag. The teacher demonstrated the special twist to ensure the perfect pretzel. We mimicked her movements. We put the dough in. We put the dough out. We twisted it all about. Our dough was hokey pokey; not a pretzel to be found. You would think it would be easy to twist yourself (into) a pretzel. Boy, were we misshapen. Umm. Mistaken.
I Am a Recovering…
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. You are a people pleaser and that means you have some really nice qualities. You like making others happy and you do your best to make sure that they are comfortable when they are around you. It means you go out of your way for others and lead with kindness. It also means that you might neglect yourself; and your wants and needs in order to satisfy someone else. In dating, you have found that you agree to people, dates, and locations that you don’t want because someone else does.
People Pleaser…
This is not a dating problem. This is a life problem. Being a people pleaser is nice, until it makes you feel resentful and not productive. It is not easy to find your voice after suppressing it for so long, so enlist the shadchan to start with. It is her/his job to assist you in this process. (The shadchan is anyone who has facilitated or suggested the match.) Ask them to convey your feelings to your date, whether you don’t want to continue dating, or don’t feel comfortable at certain venues. If you feel strong enough, tell your date yourself when you are feeling like your needs are not being met. Such as, “Do you mind if we go to the meat restaurant instead? I am allergic to dairy.” You may be surprised to find that most people have a people pleasing side and will be glad to accommodate you. This of course applies to those you generally encounter in your life as well.
Is That Ok?
It’s harder than you think to always be a people pleaser. After a while, the niceness that guides your people-pleasing tendency will become overshadowed by the offense you feel from being slighted again and again. Speak up, share what you are feeling, and you will be pleasantly surprised by the response. And if your date says, “Nope, dairy it is!” you will know he is not for you. (Or most people.) Twisting yourself into a pretzel is not easy. Princess Pretzel knows.
