Q: Does it make sense that my oldest is the child I spend the most energy on? It’s the same with my sister’s oldest, and within my family my oldest brother was always the most difficult for my parents. What is it about oldest children?
A: Studies show that much of our personalities are a result of our positions in our families. Dr. Frank Sulloway in his book Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creativity discusses the different “fates” of those born first, middle, or last. Let’s take a look at the different ways that birth order can affect personalities. I have created a chart that outlines the different strengths and weaknesses that children have based on their number in the family.
What can you do to nurture your children?
Because birth order can affect most children in the same ways, there are ways that you can help your children overcome weaknesses that birth order has thrown their way:
Oldest: Share failure. Oldest children need to hear from their parents that it is okay to fail. Parents should share their own failures with their children (particularly ones that are no longer painful). Talk about the time you didn’t get the part in the school play or the time you didn’t get the job that you thought you would love. You are still standing and smiling. This will help your first-born understand that failure is not the end of the world.
Youngest: Give responsibility. We tend to let our youngest off the hook because we say he is not old enough to clear off the table, or put his clothing in the hamper, or make his bed. In reality, you probably would have made your oldest do the same thing at your youngest’s age. Therefore, don’t underestimate your youngest abilities. Give him plenty of responsibility. Ultimately, he will benefit from it.
Middle: Attention. This one is the most intuitive, but it is also often the hardest. Try to give your middle child (or children) a shot at the limelight whenever you can. Maybe he can choose what to make for dinner one night or maybe he can sing the Ma Nishtana this year because he studied it in two languages. Perhaps you can go into his classroom, without any younger siblings tagging along, and read a book, bake a cake, or do some other age-appropriate enrichment. With this extra attention, it’s harder for the middle child to slip through the cracks.
Studies show that birth-order shapes a lot of who we are, but we are not slaves to the order in which we were born. As a parent, you can help nurture all that nature provides.