“It is an easy mistake to think that non-talkers are non-feelers.” – Wallace Stegner
“I think a lot, but I don’t say much.” – Anne Frank
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” – Stephen Hawking
Are you quiet or loud? Do you like to be the center of attention or are you happy to watch from the sidelines? Susan Cain, in her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, writes about how as a society we value the attention-getters: “Today we make room for a remarkably narrow range of personality styles. We’re told that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to be sociable. We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts – which means that we’ve lost sight of who we really are.”
But, does that make sense? Is everyone bold and sociable? Does everyone want to be bold and sociable? “Depending on which study you consult,” says Cain, “one third to one half of Americans are introverts – in other words, one out of every two or three people you know… If you’re not an introvert yourself, you are surely raising, managing, married to, or coupled with one. If these statistics surprise you, that’s probably because so many people pretend to be extroverts…”
Cain explains that we live with a value system that she has dubbed “The Extrovert Ideal.” The belief that the ideal person is “gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.” But, that’s absolutely not the case. In fact, there are huge benefits to introversion. You just have to pay attention to the quiet and ignore the noise of the Extrovert Ideal to understand the benefits.
Introverts vs. Extroverts
Cain describes the introverts and extroverts as the north and south of temperaments. Introverts are people who prefer to be alone, enjoying the lack of stimulation and noise. On the other hand, extroverts thrive off other people’s conversation and energy. While introversion and shyness often overlap, people who are shy experience anxiety when faced with social situations. In contrast, “Introverted people aren’t bothered by social situations,” says Louis Schmidt, director of the Child Emotion Laboratory at McMaster University in Ontario. “They just prefer not to engage.”
While we might think that introversion and extroversion are choices we make, a study at Harvard University illustrated that even four-month-old babies exhibit tendencies towards introversion and extroversion that correlate with their personalities when they get older.
Benefits of Introversion
While American culture values extroverts, there are some key benefits that introverts possess. Firstly, because introverts spend less time talking, they are wonderful listeners. Listening is an essential element in nonverbal communication, perhaps one of the most important skills when going on a shidduch, making friends, or interviewing for a job. Recent studies show that introverted CEOs of major companies are most successful because they are able to listen to the creative ideas of their employees, instead of asserting their own ideas on a consistent basis.
Another benefit of introversion is good decision making. By nature, introverts are less likely to take excessive risks and therefore are more likely to weigh their decisions carefully before acting. Cain explains that “Extroverts are much more likely to get really excited by the possibility of a reward, but because of that, they won’t always pay attention to warning signals. Introverts are much more circumspect.”
Yet another benefit of introversion is skill mastery, which has to do with the introvert’s ability to spend significant patches of time alone. Studies done on chess masters, concert violinists, athletes, and even regular university students preparing for exams demonstrated that the more deliberate time spent practicing or studying alone, the more skilled the person became. Florida State University psychologist reasoned, “You gain the most on your performance when you work alone. And the introverted temperament might make some kids more willing to make that commitment.”
Parents of Introverts
Traditionally, extroversion is valued over introversion in our communities. We tell our children, “Don’t be shy.” We grade our students on class participation and sometimes take off points for not participating enough. We call silences in conversation “awkward pauses.” Perhaps, though, we need to figure out how to strike a balance with our children, teaching them the value of following their natural dispositions while occasionally pushing past their discomfort every now and then.
Some tips include:
Check in with teachers. Introverts are often overlooked in the classroom. But, if you sporadically check in with your child’s teacher, the teacher will know to look out for your child, even if he is quiet. This will ensure that his progress will be monitored.
Encourage moderate risks. What feels like an easy task for you might be a daring adventure for your child. Therefore, discuss with your child what feels comfortable for him or her and what slightly pushes his or her limits. For instance, if your child refuses all playdates, suggest having a short playdate with only one other child in the comfort of your home. Then, create a signal for your child to let you know when he or she feels the playdate is over. Taking moderate risks will help your child become more at ease when he is forced into difficult situations.
Respect boundaries. Don’t push far beyond what is comfortable for your child. Listen to him if he says that he cannot do what you are asking of him in social situations.
It’s not a bad thing for you or your loved ones to tap into a natural tendency for introversion (actually, as I’ve mentioned in this article, it’s a good thing!). Just keep on eye on introverted kids to make sure they don’t fall through the cracks while they are staying out of the spotlight.