The Bully, the Victim, and the Spectator
The Spanish Bullfight is the stuff of gory legend. A hulking, snorting bull, horns lowered, charging against a gaudy fighter. Swords and horns flashing and clashing in the sun. The taunting red cape, waved in front of the bull, ostensibly to make him mad. It was an event filled with excitement, drama, and blood – a sport that attracted the nobility and common folk alike.
The man in the ring was not always a matador – an expert fighter. Sometimes he was a condemned prisoner. It was a fight to the death, and crowds of spectators would roar with approval when either party to the fight gained the upper hand. If a person died in the pen, it was all in the name of good sport.
Today, bullfighting is less common than it once was. But bullying is all too prevalent. The rules are the same. A hapless child is forced into a fight against a hardened bully. The arena is the schoolyard; the spectators are taunting children. Of course most of the kids don’t mean any harm; they’re just there for the fun of it.
There’s a red cape, too. Those are behaviors or situations in the victim that make the bully “see red” and charge – self-esteem issues, quirks or conditions in a victim that can or can’t be controlled.
If comparing bullying to bullfighting seems very harsh, ask a child who was bullied. Such children can attest to the fear, the helplessness, and the feeling of being chased by a brutal enemy. In one sense, bullying is harsher than the bullfight, because there is no quick end to the torture. Instead, each battle is just one round of a war, and the victims suffer endlessly. They sometimes bear the scars for life.
Bullying has led children to depression, delinquency, violence, and suicide. It causes excessive shyness, social isolation, and social phobias. Victims of bullying often avoid going to school, and are more liable to drop out. They suffer emotionally, socially, and academically.
“I dreaded each day of fifth grade,” says Menashe, now in mesivta. “There was an older boy who taunted me endlessly. Once he stuck his foot out to trip me, and laughed when my books went flying. Another time, on the bus, he grabbed my yarmulke, and played catch with it, tossing it to his friends in the back of the bus, until one kid threw it out the window. I remember feeling so alone and so ashamed. I lived in fear of the next confrontation, and spent the entire day agonizing over what he was going to do next.”
“It was all so silly, really,” he says. “The whole thing started when I got glasses. The frames were kind of big, and not the most stylish. The bully called me “owl eyes,” and everyone laughed. Then I became his regular victim. It was something else, every day.”
Menashe recalls spending most mornings trying to get out of going to school. He feigned sickness, though the stomach aches were real. He didn’t tell his parents about the bullying.
“I didn’t want the bully to call me a tattle tale. I thought it would just make things worse,” he said. Instead, he suffered in silence. Menashe is quick to point out that the bully didn’t act alone.
“The other kids didn’t usually do anything, but the bully couldn’t have hurt me without their help,” he says. “They laughed at his jokes, and no one ever stood up for me and told him to stop.”
Menashe’s experience is fairly typical. There are many variations. The bullies, who can be boys or girls, pick on someone who is different or vulnerable in some way. The victim could be overweight or undersized. She could be a poor student or the teacher’s pet. He could wear the wrong thing or pursue an unusual hobby. Anything is grist for the bully’s mill. But very often, victims have one thing in common. They are sensitive children with low self-esteem.
A bully seeks control, power, and attention. He wants a reaction or confrontation, in which he emerges as the winner. Children with low self-esteem are perfect targets, because they are most likely to respond by cowering, crying, or hitting back. This feeds into the bully’s desires. He or she enjoys watching someone cringe from pain or humiliation.
Dr. Mel Levine, noted child psychologist, and author of several books on learning and childhood issues, says, “I always tell people that from the moment a kid gets up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night, the central mission of the day is to avoid humiliation at all costs.” For victims of bullying, that mission becomes impossible.
The need to avoid humiliation also plays a role for spectators of bullying, who want to conform, at all cost.
“The sixth grader who wants to fit in will go along with harassing other kids,” says Dorothy Esplegade, PhD, University of Illinois; a noted expert on bullying. Even if they don’t actually join the harassment, bystanders play a role, merely by being there. They provide the bully with an audience, and increase the victim’s suffering and humiliation.
If You Suspect That Your Child is Being Bullied…
Parents should take note of changes that might indicate that a child is being bullied. Such changes include a drop in school performance, school avoidance, and lack of interest in school work or after school activities. More serious signs would include unexplained injuries, torn clothes, missing belongings or money, or repeated requests for money.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied, you need to communicate effectively with your child, through active listening. You may be angered by the things you are hearing, but it is important to stay calm, and avoid interrupting or making angry judgmental comments.
Once the story is clear, you need to empathize with your child. Don’t say that all kids go through this, and that he should just bear it. Bullying is truly unbearable, and the child needs to know that you understand his pain.
Then, parents need to take steps to help their child defuse the situation. If there is something that is triggering the bullying, see if the trigger can be removed. In Menashe’s case, that would mean buying new, more stylish glasses.
The victim can also be taught social skills. A child can be taught to exhibit confidence and self-esteem. When a child stands tall, speaks confidently, and makes eye contact, others gain respect for him, and he is no longer an easy target for bullies.
Children can also be taught that since the bully wants them to react in a certain way, the victims can defuse the situation by denying the bully the satisfaction of that reaction. You can compare the concept by using the “soda machine” analogy.
Suppose there is a malfunctioning soda machine in school that produces free cans of soda every time you kick it. The kids would have a heyday! They would kick it endlessly! Poor machine!
Then suppose that the school administration repairs the machine. That day, the first kid who passes the machine kicks it. To his surprise, there are no free cans rolling in his direction. He kicks harder, to no avail. He may give it one final kick, but soon enough, he’ll realize that the fun is over, and will leave. What’s more, within ten minutes, every kid in school will know that it doesn’t pay to kick the soda machine anymore – so they won’t.
You can teach kids that bullies are hurting them because they love the “free soda” – the tears, the whining, and the fear they see in their victims. But if the victims stop giving the bully what he wants, the “kicking” may stop.
Another technique is to agree with the bully. In Menashe’s case, he could have said, “My glasses do kind of make me look like an owl. Hey, I must be very wise.” Such an answer surprises the bully, and earns the victim new respect in the eyes of his classmates. Parents can help a children make such a response, by role playing, so that the child is prepared for the taunt, and ready to respond.
Bullying must also be tackled by the school. If every yeshiva and school would have a teacher in the schoolyard during recess, and a bus monitor on every bus, bullying would be significantly reduced. Schools can also teach about bullying in a school-wide middos program. Such a program should educate children about the dangers of bullying, and about the responsibilities of spectators.
Students should know that they have the power to stop bullying, by refusing to join or watch bullying incidents. They can also befriend victims, and report incidents to a teacher or principal.
Studies have shown that teachers and principals often underestimate the problem of bullying in their schools. When teachers are asked if there is bullying in their classrooms, they generally say ‘no.’ But when students in the same classes are asked if there is bullying in their classes, they almost always answer ‘yes.’ When students are taught to report bullying, teachers and principals can intervene.
The fact is that bullying is universal. It takes place amongst boys and girls, at all grade levels, in virtually all schools and yeshivos. It is only the type and intensity of the bullying that varies, with boys being more aggressive, and girls resorting to taunts and exclusion. All bullying is very harmful, and parents, teachers, principals, and students must do everything in their power to stop the bull fighting going on in our school yards.
