Q: Is it possible to stop bullying before it starts? Is there something that schools and parents can do to ensure that we are being proactive and not simply reactive?
A: The key to kindness and acceptance is empathy. A lot of people argue that you cannot teach empathy. While I agree that it is difficult to teach empathy, I believe it is possible.
First, what is empathy? Empathy is made up of multiple components: an awareness of a “self” that is separate from other people; the ability to recognize another person’s perspective; the ability to regulate emotional responses
I have compiled a list of several ideas in order to help your child “learn” empathy:
Support children in times of distress. When children feel that their own emotional needs are met, they are better able to recognize the emotional needs of others. Therefore, helping your children recover from their own emotional setbacks will help them have empathy for other people.
Talk to your kids. When parents talk to their children as if they have a mind of their own and treat their children as individuals, it encourages them to look at others as individuals with their own feelings and emotions.
Point out commonalities. Studies show that children are more likely to feel empathy for those whom they feel are similar or familiar to them. Teach your children to find similarities with people – even if they are very different. Explain to them that everyone has certain things in common.
Role-play. Children can learn a lot from stepping into other people’s shoes for just a few moments. Help your children role play how they would feel if they were the person being bullied. Even books and stories can help children understand other people’s perspectives.
Smile and give lots of hugs. Children are more likely to be generous and kind if they feel secure and loved. Therefore, smiling at your children as a way of signaling approval and giving lots of physical affection will help your child feel self-confident. Those who are self-confident are less likely to bully others (and more likely to be able to see the world through others’ eyes).
Q: I know sibling rivalry is normal and present in almost every family. There is definitely sibling rivalry between two of my children – but I wonder if it is something more. My fourteen-year-old son is constantly “tackling” and teasing my ten-year-old son. I keep thinking “boys will be boys,” but it has gotten to the point that I am worried about leaving them alone together. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Sibling rivalry is completely normal – and expected – in families with more than one child. Sibling rivalry arises when children who live together and inevitably share the same resources: attention, toys, and food.
Sibling bullying, on the other hand, is quite another story. Like regular bullying, it can be dangerous and precarious. So, how can you distinguish between sibling rivalry and bullying? Here are four characteristics of sibling bullying:
The bullying is done as a deliberate act of aggression.
The bully always has more power in some way (size, age, or maturity)
The bully intends to harm.
The bully threatens to harm in the future.
In addition, if your younger child complains of headaches or stomachaches a lot, especially when he has been home after school with his brother, this could be a symptom of bullying.
Many parents overlook what they believe to be normal sibling rivalry – even if they see physical aggression, hear insults, and get told about the threats. Sometimes, we think we need to teach our child to stick up for himself, so that he can learn how to respond to negative behavior in the future. In reality, when you ignore the repeated bullying, you are signaling to your child that his brother’s behavior is acceptable to you.
Here are some ways to curtail sibling bullying:
Step in. When you see negative behavior (whether verbal or physical), place yourself between your two children and say, “I will not allow one child I love to hurt another child I love.” Do not listen if your child tells you he is “only joking.” Instead, tell him kindly and confidently that you don’t think the joke is funny and that neither does his younger brother.
Notice when they do get along. Pay attention to the activities they are doing when bullying does not occur. Are they playing baseball? Reading together? Eating a meal? Whatever it is that they do well together, try to create more opportunities for them to engage in those activities. This will reinforce the positive elements of their relationship.
Consider the origin of the anger. Ask yourself why your son is displaying so much aggression towards your other son. Is he struggling in school or having a negative interaction with a friend? Perhaps your son is angry about something else, but is directing his anger towards his younger brother because he cannot confront the real problem. Talk to him about his actions and their consequences.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that when it comes to bullying – we are all participants if we stand by and do nothing. Through intervention, you can protect both of your sons.