Q: How can I help my young child make friends? She just seems so lonely.
A: Amanda Rock, a prolific writer about parenting and children, provides the following tips:
Listen carefully. Your child will often come home from school talking about one or two children. Listen to which names come up most frequently and ask your child if he would like to ask those friends to come over to play. Alternatively, you can ask his teacher if there is a particular classmate that your child plays nicely with in school. Choosing the right playmate is the first step towards creating successful playdates.
Keep it small. Invite just one friend over. An odd number of children allows for the opportunity for someone to be left out. With only two children at the playdate, there is no chance that someone will be excluded.
Stay at home. If your child is young and just beginning to have playdates, consider staying home in order to keep your child comfortable. To that end, invite the other child’s parent to stay in until her child settles in. If the playdate is at the friend’s house, stay. Your presence might make your young child more relaxed, especially in the case of conflict.
Hide one or two toys. It’s hard for children to share. Therefore, before a friend comes over, ask your child what toys he does not want to share. Take those toys and put them out of sight. This will give your preschooler a sense of control over his possessions.
Prepare snacks. Young children need to eat small meals frequently. At times, children can get hyper and cranky if they are hungry, therefore, be prepared with healthy snacks to feed their small stomachs. Feel free to ask your child what snack he would like you to serve before the playdate starts.
Be at hand, but stay out of the way. Once your child’s playdate arrives, don’t just leave the room. Instead, suggest some activities that will get things going. Taking out puzzles, musical instruments, or blocks are great ways to break the ice. Once the children begin to play together, take a backseat, but be available in case they need you.
Let the children resolve conflict. Unless the conflict gets physical, stay out of it. Small conflicts in controlled areas are wonderful opportunities for children to learn conflict resolution. Of course, if the argument escalates, step in and help the children come up with a compromise. In addition, conflict might signify that it is time for a new activity or a snack.
Give warnings before the playdate ends. Children need to understand when their fun is going to come to an end. About 20 minutes before the playdate is about to end, let the kids know that soon it will be time to clean up. With 10 minutes left, start the clean up process. If they have a hard time with this, set a timer and have a “clean up race” – can the adults and children together clean up together before the timer goes off?
The big question is: why put so much thought and effort into a simple preschooler’s playdate? The answer is relatively simple: playdates are the foundations of friendships and friendships are integral to happy and healthy childhoods. Your child will learn how to share possessions and feelings, gain conflict resolution skills, and achieve independence.
You can never start too early with social skills and playdates are the perfect place to begin!