Watching children in a schoolyard is particularly illuminating – certain children are kings of the playground, others are drifters, and some are completely ill at ease. Social skills, or lack thereof, are glaringly apparent during recess. Take for example, Eli, a second grader whom I noticed in the schoolyard the other day.
Three boys who obviously shared a rapport were playing a heated game of handball. Eli walked up to them several times and attempted to make conversation. The first time, one of the boys somewhat patiently said, “Eli, we are playing now – we’ll talk later.”
The boys then went back to their game, but Eli persisted, saying, “No, but I need to tell you something.” The other boys didn’t even answer and continued tracking the ball as it bounced off of the wall. Nonetheless, Eli continued to persevere, “I really need to tell you something now!” At that point, one of the boys yelled at Eli, “Eli, we said you can talk later. We are playing now. Stop bothering us!” Even with that direct refusal, Eli still refused to walk away. He lingered at the edges of the game. Finally, the teacher called the class in and informed them that recess was over.
Social Skills and Education
My heart broke for Eli because he simply didn’t “get it.” This instance clearly demonstrated his inability to recognize what his peers were saying, verbally and non-verbally. Of course, if this was an isolated incident, there is not much to worry about. Unfortunately, there are many children within our classrooms whose deficits or excesses in social behavior interfere with learning, teaching, and the classroom climate. Social competence is also linked to peer acceptance, teacher approval, and post graduation success.
Social Skills Are Learned
It’s hard for people who automatically pick up social cues to understand that people are not born with social skills – rather we learn them from social interactions. In reality, infants begin learning social skills from their first moments. When they cry, their parents pick them up or feed them. Then, they learn that when they smile, others smile at them. Later, they learn that time-out is for actions that are unacceptable and when you meet someone new, you introduce yourself.
Unfortunately, there are children who fail to pick up on social cues and thus do not develop age appropriate skills. To these children, social interaction is simply less natural than it is to others. Like Eli, they will struggle to communicate with their peers and will often experience rejection and isolation.
In order to illustrate this point about natural tendencies, I would like you to cross one leg over the other. You probably automatically crossed a one specific leg over the other. Now, switch legs. Does this feel unnatural? Probably.
It is exactly this sensation that we ask children who lack social skills to experience every minute of every day. They have a behavior etched into their brains that feels comfortable to them and we ask them to change that behavior overnight. We tell them, “don’t do that” and expect them to never revert back to their old behaviors. Imagine how hard this is to accomplish!
Effective social skills coaching focuses on:
Explicit instruction: If a child has not picked up on social skills through implicit everyday interaction, explicit instruction is essential. For this reason, social skill coaching that gets results is unambiguous and clear. I give children step-by-step instructions and explain why each step is integral to social interaction. For instance, if a child is having trouble making friends, we work through the process, beginning with introductions and listening skills and go all the way through conflict resolution and reciprocity.
Focus on increasing desirable behavior and eliminating undesirable behavior: Often, social skills training emphasizes teaching new behaviors, but does not concentrate on breaking unwelcome habits. In order to succeed socially, children need to understand both what they are “getting wrong” and how they can correct that behavior.
Positive reinforcement: If the child’s social skills deficit is not serious or dangerous, only positive reinforcement should be employed. Using punitive strategies will only turn the child off and reinforce the idea that social interactions are painful and incomprehensible.
Employment of a variety of techniques and immediate feedback. Modeling (when the teachers shows an appropriate behavior), coaching (when the teacher explains the appropriate behavior), and role-playing (when the teacher and student take different roles in a social interaction and attempt to recreate it) are all essential ways to teach social skills. Depending on the learning style of the student, different techniques should be used. In addition, immediate feedback is integral to the learning process, as the child can internalize exactly what he did right or wrong.
Practice in multiple settings. Social skills are needed for all interactions – individuals or groups and private or public. Working with the child in a wide range of settings with different groups and individuals will encourage them to apply new skills to real life situations.
An emphasis on progress, not perfection: Let’s face it – no one is perfectly tactful and appropriate at all times. Children who struggle with social skills should not be expected to automatically switch over to flawless social interactions over night. The focus of an effective social skills coach is on progress, rather than perfection. The idea is to improve children’s social interactions.
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills
Studies have shown that there is link between learning disabilities (LD) and social skills deficits, especially Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Students with LD often have difficulties accurately understanding what people do, say, or demonstrate. While many schools and teachers address the academic fallout of learning disabilities, we rarely focus on the social consequences. An effort should be made to help these students with essential social skills such as maintaining focus, communicating with others, and interpreting facial expressions and body language. With enhanced social skills, not only will these children perform better in school, they will also have an easier time making friends. It’s a win-win situation!
Teaser: With enhanced social skills, not only will these children perform better in school, they will also have an easier time making friends. It’s a win-win situation!
Register now for an anger management workshop by Dr. Ross Greene on November 14, 2017. Please call Mrs. Schonfeld at 718-382-5437 for more information.