Dear Dr. Yael,
I have noticed that many of the letters you include in your column are from people having issues with their spouse or children. Our problem is a little different.
My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and have not yet been blessed with children. On Purim and Pesach we try to spend time with both of our families. Baruch Hashem, we both come from large families and have many nieces and nephews.
What I have noticed is how much everyone complains about how overworked they are; about having to find costumes, clean up after the kids, practice the Mah Nishtana with them, etc. I would love to be overwhelmed with these issues, but Hashem has not seen fit to let that happen yet.
What I would love is a little bit of sensitivity. Do you know how many times I have heard, “You are so lucky that you can sleep through the night.” How could they not know how we wish for a child who wakes us up in middle of the night?
And then there are the complaints about how tight they are financially. Things are hard for us as well. We may not have children to support yet, but our fertility treatments cost money – and we do our best to help out those siblings who are truly struggling.
I am writing to you because I know that many of our siblings read your column and I hope that this will serve as a wake-up call. Many couples in our situation dread the upcoming Yomim Tovim and the time they will have to spend with family.
Thank you,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for taking the time to write to us. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to hear people complain about the brachos they have, when you are waiting to be gifted with those same brachos.
Of course, brachos can be hard to deal with, but a greater level of sensitivity is important. Do not wait for your siblings to read the column; there is no reason why you should be hurt time and again. Perhaps you can say something to your mother and mother-in-law and they can speak to your siblings without letting on that it is coming from you and your husband.
I know that this is a very challenging time in your life. However, I would suggest that you try to have fun, take vacations and enjoy the time the two of you can spend together.
Please do not let your siblings continue to hurt you. If you don’t speak up, you may eventually be too hurt to continue your relationship with them! With Hashem’s help you will soon be complaining about sleepless nights as well! Hatzlocha!
Dear Readers,
I want to share with all of you some of what I have gained over the years while dealing with couples who struggle with infertility in the hopes that we all become more sensitive to nuances.
- If you know a couple who does not have children, please do not ask them if anything is new.
- If it is clear that the couple is pursuing medical treatment, try not to pry information out of them.
- Don’t make it obvious that you are staring at a woman’s stomach to see if she is pregnant. Women have told me that going to simchas makes them uncomfortable, especially if they have gained weight.
- Try not to kvetch to an infertile couple about how hard things are for you because your children are young, need care, create a messy house, require you to shop, etc. All the things that you consider burdens they would see as reasons to celebrate.