Dear Dr. Respler,
I have a terrible habit – I worry endlessly about everything. I have a wonderful life: happy and healthy children and a very loving husband. And yet, I worry. Worry that something will go wrong, that I will lose something. It drives me crazy.
I know where it comes from; my mother is a big worrier and it has only made her miserable. She has so much nachas in her life and she can’t enjoy it.
I feel bad about the worrying – I want Hashem to know that I appreciate what I have. What can I do to stop myself from worrying and enjoy life?
Worry Wart
Dear Worry,
Worrying is definitely a Jewish occupation – Jewish mothers have been worrying for centuries, so you are in good company.
However, there are some things you should consider:
Do you experience panic and anxiety?
Is the worrying based on rational fears? Maybe you have a specific phobia that is causing you to constantly worry.
Do you have actual physical symptoms (i.e, heart palpitation, sweaty palms, shortness of breath) before you feel the anxiety? Sometimes a physiological predisposition can cause a person to feel like he is having anxiety when in actuality he is exhibiting abnormal physical symptoms. These abnormal physical symptoms can be the cause of the anxiety, rather than the result.
If you feel that your worrying is out of control, you might benefit from therapy or even some medications.
As you noted, growing up with a mother who worries definitely has had an influence on your life, but it is something you can overcome. Here are a few suggestions:
For general worry and anxiety, try using breathing techniques. When you feel the anxiety coming on, sit down in a corner and take control of the situation. Repeat to yourself over and over that you are in control and that everything will be okay. Breathe slowly and regularly and think of the positive, not the negative things that can come out of the situation. Using cognitive behavioral therapy, you can begin to change your thoughts and your behavior, which will affect the way you feel. For example, you can realistically think about why what you’re worrying about is improbable and actually tell yourself that it is not true! Similar to the technique above, saying this over and over to yourself will help you quell those negative thoughts. Then replace the negative thoughts with positive ones; tell yourself that the negative thing will not happen and a positive one will. Be specific in what the positive result will be. Distraction is also a good technique, and a way to change your cognition. Some people find that calling someone they love just to talk when they feel anxious is extremely helpful. Others find that just being alone or writing in a diary helps alleviate the anxiety. Exercise can also be helpful as endorphins make us feel good and help us feel calmer.
Often, we worry because subconsciously worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about our problem. This is obviously ridiculous, as worrying only worsens the situation. Sometimes we feel that worrying will protect us from the problem that we are worrying about. However, it is the worrying which causes us so much stress. Thus, taking long, cleansing breaths and talking yourself out of your worries will help you make some positive changes.
You need to find what works best for you.
I would like to share a beautiful parable. A person was walking down the road with a load of heavy packages. He stopped a passing wagon driver and asked for a ride. While in the wagon, the person continued to hold onto his packages. The driver asked, “Why are you still holding on to your packages? Set them down.” The person responded, “It’s nice enough of you to give me a ride, you don’t have to carry my packages as well.”