In Permissive Parenting, parents are more indulgent. They make very few demands of their children and they rarely discipline them as they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (1991).
Permissive parents are usually nurturing and communicate a lot with their children, but they often act more like a friend than like a parent. Children of Permissive Parenting tend to rank low in happiness and self-regulation, are more likely to encounter problems with authority, and often perform poorly in school (many “younger” parents in today’s generation are employing this type of parenting, which can be damaging to their children).
Lastly, we have Uninvolved Parenting. In this case, parents have few demands, display low responsiveness, and have little communication with their children. While these parents may fulfill a child’s basic needs, they are usually detached from the child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents can reject or neglect the needs of their children (these are neglectful or abusive parents). These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem, and are less competent than their peers.
As noted above, Authoritative Parenting is the most effective style of parenting and it generally yields the best results in children. When children view requests as fair and reasonable, they are more likely to listen and comply with them. Furthermore, when you share your reasoning with children and make them a part of the process of determining rules and boundaries, they are more likely to internalize (and/or take ownership of) the reasons for behaving in a certain way, which leads to greater self-control. It is imperative to have boundaries and help children learn to have self control as it goes a long way towards their becoming healthy and competent adults.
Most parents bring their own personality and baggage into their parenting. Even within Authoritative Parenting there can be various approaches. None of these approaches are the “wrong” or “right.” As you noted, I am against hitting children because it does not teach them anything and will likely make them angry and resentful. Children need clear rules and logical consequences and hitting when they do not listen is not effective. They may listen out of fear, but this is not how you want to get your children to listen. You are already on the right path as you are seeking guidance to try to find the best way to parent your children! Hatzlocha!
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Baumrind, D. (1967). “Child-care Practices Anteceding Three Patterns of Preschool Behavior”. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88.
Baumrind, D. (1991). “The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use”. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). “Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent–Child Interaction.” In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington, Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed.). New York: Wiley.
Maccoby, E.E. (1992). “The Role of Parents in the Socialization of Children: A Historical Overview”. Developmental Psychology, 28,1006-1017.