Spanking.
Yelling.
Time out.
Connect and redirect.
Discipline has changed over the years. Fifty years ago, parents hit their children. Some parents yelled at their children, and most recently parents give their children time out. Dr. Daniel Siegel, in his new book No Drama Discipline, argues against time out and for different methods of discipline.
The Case For Time Out
While at different points there is negative press surrounding the use of time outs, many psychologists and educators believe that when used correctly, time out can be effective and valuable. According to psychologist Daniela Owen at the San Francisco Bay Center for Cognitive Therapy, time outs increase compliance and positive behavior far more than other forms of discipline. Here are some guidelines when enforcing time out.
Separate. When negative behavior occurs, the parent should take the child away from the situation and place the child in a separate area. This area need not be in another room.
Explain. In as few words as possible, explain what the child did to earn the time out. For instance, Moshe’s mother might say, “No hitting” or “Don’t hit.”
Set a time. A reasonable amount of time is the child’s age in minutes. For example, if the child is three, time out should be three minutes.
Don’t attend. Once the child is in time out, the parent should avoid eye contact and not speak to the child. Time out is time out from the parents and the rest of the action happening in the house.
Embrace. When time out is over, “time in” begins. Parents should hug their child and let them know that they are loved.
Discuss. Later that evening or at a calm time before bedtime, parents can discuss with the child the events that led up to the time out. This will allow everybody to rationally and calmly evaluate how to better proceed in the future.
Errors While Enforcing Time Out
Little time in. In order for time out to work, there has to be a lot of “time in” in the family. In other words, you need to create a positive and rich environment for children in your home so that the time out is simply “time out” from all the exciting things that are going on around them. Otherwise, children will choose to misbehave in order to get the attention (even if it is negative) to elicit a response from their parents.
Lots of threats. Many parents I work with often threaten their children with time out, but do not enforce it. This will undermine the whole idea of time out. Empty threats do not breed positive behavior.
Too much talk. When putting children in time out, parents often (because they are so agitated) will lengthily explain to their children why they are going to time out. For instance, a parent might say, “Moshe, you are going to time out because you grabbed the ball and you wouldn’t listen to Mommy and then you hit Mommy. You have to have time out when you do things like that.”
When a child is in the midst of a fit, he will not be able to attend to that kind of speech, plus that defeats the purpose of a “time out” from attention. Therefore, stick to as few words as possible.
No real time out. When children act out while placed in time out, parents often respond to them. If they are yelling, they tell them to be quiet and if they are laughing they tell them to be quiet. Instead, simply ignore their responses as long as they are in time out. Time out should be a time out from all responses.