The Case Against Time Out
Dr. Dan Siegel, in his book No Drama Discipline, writes: “You really can discipline in a way that’s full of respect and nurturing, but that also maintains clear and consistent boundaries. In other words, you can do better. You can discipline in a way that’s high on relationship, high on respect, and low on drama and conflict – and in the process, you can foster development that builds good relationship skills and improves your children’s ability to make good decisions, think about others, and act in ways that prepare them for lifelong success and happiness.”
He explains that your parenting will only be effective if you adhere to certain principles, but your children will create more connections in their brains and therefore build stronger emotional and social skills. Part of his method is based on the fact that the word discipline comes from the Latin word “to teach.” Discipline is about teaching, not punishment or consequences.
Siegel argues against timeouts saying that they teach children that when they are struggling they are on their own and do not have parents to help them. He says that parents should ask themselves three questions before they respond to negative behavior:
Why? Why did the child act that way?
What? What lesson do I want to teach?
How? How can I teach that lesson?
One method that Siegel suggests to use for discipline, instead of time out, is “connect and redirect.” If your eight-year-old is throwing a fit because he can’t believe his birthday isn’t for another eight months, chances are he is experiencing a lot of right brain (emotional or illogical activity). Rather than responding to your child with logical questions, which he will not be able to hear because he is in the midst of a wave of emotional thinking, react to him with emotions. Hold him tight and tell him that you understand how frustrating that might be. Once he is able to calm down, you help him work through the problem logically. In this way, you are connecting to him through his left brain (emotions) and redirecting his emotions through his right brain (logic). This will help him become better integrated in the future as well.
The jury is still out, but it’s worth thinking about either way – it’s worth thinking about discipline as an opportunity to teach. After all, as parents, that is our primary job!
Register now for an anxiety workshop by Dr. Paul Foxman on November 17. Please call Mrs. Schonfeld at 718-382-5437 for more information.