“The greatest barrier to self-understanding is our fear of knowing the truth within ourselves, but when we do understand ourselves, we greatly enhance what we are capable of.” – Carla H. Krueger
Author Carla H. Krueger touches on an important element in our daily function, knowing and understanding ourselves. This self-knowledge and self-awareness ties in directly to emotional intelligence, something that is increasingly spoken about within education. Emotional intelligence is also integrally important when in the parsha of shidduchim.
Different Kinds of Smarts
But, what exactly is emotional intelligence? In his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ, Goleman explains his conception of emotional intelligence:
Abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope… And while there are those who argue that IQ cannot be changed much by experience or education, I will show that the crucial emotional competencies can indeed be learned and improved upon by children – if we bother to teach them.
So, why bring up the concept of emotional intelligence when discussing shidduchim? The answer is simple: if a young adult has a low emotional intelligence, no matter how smart or accomplished she is, she will never be able to show that to her prospective mate. Therefore, it is essential to help the young adults in our community develop their emotional intelligence.
After all, without it, their IQ is irrelevant.
Emotional Intelligence in School
It makes sense that emotional intelligence is important when on a date. You are, after all, talking about emotions and feelings. But, how does emotional intelligence play into the classroom? The Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence explains, “Our research shows that students with higher emotional intelligence are better prepared to manage their emotional lives so that they can focus, learn, and do their best in school.” That means that it’s not just a student’s IQ, but also their EQ (emotional quotient) that leads to success or failure in school.
After all, imagine a student who is very gifted academically, but is being raised by a single parent who leaves to work early in the morning. That student is responsible for getting his siblings ready to get to school each morning. By the time the student gets to school, he will probably be exhausted and unfocused for the day ahead. His teachers might experience his attitude as apathy. However, if the teachers and the students understand the emotions underlying his attitude, he will be better able to learn and succeed.
The RULER Method
To that end, those at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence have put together a program for early childhood and elementary school teachers to help incorporate emotional intelligence into the curriculum and educational jargon. Their program is called the RULER method. RULER is an acronym that stands for Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing and Regulating emotions. There are many tools that the center teaches educators to use in the classroom in order to help students recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate their emotions.
Tool of RULER
According to the Center, “RULER includes four primary tools: the Charter, Mood Meter, Meta-Moment, and Blueprint. Each is based on scientific research and helps children and adults develop their emotional intelligence skills.”
- Charter. The charter is the emotional constitution of the school. It is a document that the students, teachers, and other members of the school community write together to establish the school’s learning environment. Collaboratively, the school community outlines how they would like to treat one another. In the charter, the students and teachers describe how they want to feel at school, behaviors that make them feel comfortable and able to learn, and the framework for dealing with conflict. The charter is the foundation for a school that works together to create a positive learning environment.
- Mood Meter. The mood meter helps students label and quantify their emotions. Through the mood meter, students develop a vocabulary of emotions, which not only helps them understand what they are feeling, but also helps them understand how they react to those feelings. Students move from basic words like “good” or “tired” to “confident” and “discouraged.” This vocabulary helps them address their feelings more effectively and also helps them recognize the range of emotions they feel throughout the day.
- Meta-Moment. When we are in the midst of difficult or emotional moments, it is hard to be our best selves. We often act on impulse. A “meta-moment” is a moment when you take a step back from what is going on around you and you pause and think before acting. You ask yourself, “What is my best response to this situation?” With time and practice, students can learn the tools to cope with stressful and hurtful situations through better choices and decisions. Ultimately, this leads to stronger friendships, healthier relationships, and overall happier kids (who in turn are primed for learning).
- Blueprint. The Blueprint is a tool that allows students to see the conflict from the other person’s perspective. Through a “walk in the other person’s shoes,” the students can recognize better solutions to the problem. Perhaps more importantly, they develop empathy for those around them as they are better able to understand what they are going through. With time, the Blueprint minimizes the amount of time teachers have to spend disciplining students who are bullying or in conflict. It also creates a learning environment that is safe, friendly, and open.
I believe strongly in educating our students in individualistic and differentiated ways. Incorporating emotional intelligence into our school’s curricula helps students learn to the absolute best of their abilities.
