Dear Dr. Yael,
For the past eight years, I’ve watched one friend after another get married and move away. Some have made an effort to keep in touch, but honestly, our friendships have never been quite the same. At first, it frustrated me greatly to see how much was changing, but eventually I realized that this change is a good thing and I should be happy. This was not an easy conclusion to come to – it was much easier to be upset with my friends and feel hurt by their abandonment – but after a lot of soul searching, I was able to admit to myself that this is the way it should be and that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself!
I think a major problem within the “single” community is the pressure to get married ASAP. So everything in our lives post-seminary becomes a means to that end. It seems as if the “single” stage is just a passage to the next, not a phase in its own right. There were a few times that I actually postponed planning vacations with other single friends, just in case…
Baruch Hashem I learned that this is not the way to live; as a matter of fact, it’s not living at all. We singles need to not only enjoy this phase of our lives, but make the most of it. I don’t think seminaries and high schools stress this enough. There are plenty of chesed opportunities that high school girls or married women can’t participate in, but we can. We are in a unique position to contribute so much to our community. Let us not waste these years waiting, moping, and stressing about how our engaged and married friends are treating us.
My older sister had a single friend who kept putting off dental school as she hoped to get married and have a child and thought that school would be too hard with a family. However, the years passed and she was still not married. She finally decided that she would take the plunge and went to dental school. Of course, she got married a couple of years later and had her first child within her first year of marriage. Now she has two kids and finished dental school as well. Even though everything ended well, she spent many years worrying about what could be – when she could have completed her schooling by the time she met her husband.
I have noticed that some parents and teachers are afraid that single girls might enjoy being single so much that they will stay that way. That is an irrational fear. The desire to get married and start a family seems to be inborn and when the right person comes along, we are ready and willing to embrace the change. Until then, it’s ridiculous to not enjoy the stage you find yourself in.
A Single Reader
Dear Single,
Thank you for your beautiful letter. I agree with you that singles should use their time productively and enjoy life. Your suggestion to focus on chesed is also a wonderful idea. There are so many opportunities to help others and the young women who utilize their time in that way will gain so much from it personally as well! When we give to others, we change ourselves in a positive manner. And who knows, maybe they will meet the people meant to be their shaliach.
It is never easy when friends move on to another stage. You must have incredible inner strength to have come to these conclusions on your own. It is very impressive that you were able to move past the hurt and become a better person for it. This is not to say that young women who get married should not be sensitive to their single friends. In fact, it is crucial that all young couples make a great effort to continue sharing the lives of all their friends. Of course, as you noted, those relationships will still change, but there is no reason to cause anyone unnecessary hurt. It would also be helpful for young couples to think about shidduchim for their single friends and make appropriate suggestions. Even if the suggestions are not perfect, it is important to try.
Many clients have told me that they do not understand how their friends have no one to set them up with. Many singles, especially (and unfortunately) girls, can go weeks and months without a date, so even if you are not entirely sure the person you are thinking of is perfect for your friend, you never know where the suggestion could lead. Your friend can do her own research and even say “no” if it is not for her, but she will still feel cared about and may even have a friend who will appropriate for him.
Thank you for highlighting this issue and in the zechus of all of the chesed that you will now engender, you should find your bashert soon! Hatzlocha to you as well!