Joyful living. This should be an easy one – parents and children should revel in the wondrous world they live in. This is an important part of creating a child’s positive sense of self. Even our everyday experiences can be joyful. We can reflect on those everyday moments with our children and appreciate them. While it might sound cheesy, simply enjoying being with our children is an important piece of the puzzle.
Our Memories, Ourselves
Now we get to the part about using our past experiences to shape who we are as parents, rather than to define us. Of course, when we are parents, our previous experiences influence the way we act with our own children. And, if we have not fully processed those experiences, those possibly negative encounters could trigger negative interactions in our own parent-child relationships.
Drs. Siegel and Hartzell call these memories “implicit memories,” or memories that are outside of our conscious awareness. Even though these memories are outside of our conscious control, they can change the way we interact with our children. Rather than seeing our children’s actions as present phenomena, we react to them as manifestations of past experience. These implicit memories can interfere with our abilities to live mindfully, respond flexibly, and maintain mindsight. For instance, if you remember your little brother frequently screamed before he went to sleep at night for an hour and no one picked him up, but do not have conscious memory of this, you might react with rage and frustration when your own child screams when he scrapes his knee.
What can you do to prevent these implicit memories from taking over your ability to respond flexibly and live a life of joy? When you feel yourself having a disproportionately extreme reaction to minor setbacks, take a moment to be mindful. See the challenge as an opportunity for growth. Evaluate your choices of response. Look at it through another perspective. And, finally, choose to parent with joy.