Anger
Is a red bull
Charging through the mind’s fields
Inciting actions you may soon
Regret
The poem above, written by contemporary children’s poet John Foster, is a great metaphor for the way that anger can impact our lives and our children’s lives. Anger can propel us into actions that ultimately hurt us and those around us. To that end, I have asked Dr. Ross Greene, a pioneer of working with behaviorally challenged children to speak to our community next November.
You see it all the time – a child kicking and screaming in the grocery store, a toddler throwing his toy in the sandbox, or a kindergartener stomping up and down the stairs of his school.
Every child occasionally has a meltdown regardless of his or her age or natural disposition. While the roots of these tantrums might differ, they often affect the whole family. The way you respond to the meltdowns can influence their future recurrence and their long-lasting effects. Children throw fits in an attempt to gain control of their environment. If that fit works, they continue to have meltdowns because it is a method by which they can assert power over their parents. Below, I have outlined some ways to deal with “normal” meltdowns.
Preschool
For children who are preschool age, meltdowns will generally occur around food, clothing, and toys. In the supermarket, children will want to buy certain foods, at home, they will want to wear certain socks or shirts, and in the park or at friends’ homes, they will want to play with only one toy. When your child’s decision is inconvenient and impossible, you will not be able to meet these wants. That’s where the problem arises. If your daughter starts throwing a fit in the supermarket, here are some suggestions to curb that behavior:
Stick to your guns. If you originally said “no” to buying chocolate chip cookies and then threw them in your cart when your daughter started screaming, you are teaching her that if she screams she gets what she wants. Instead, if you say “no,” stick to it. Expect to feel embarrassed in the supermarket for a few trips, but eventually your daughter will learn that screaming gets her nowhere.
Avoid triggers. If you know that your daughter always melts down when you go through the snack aisle, don’t go through the snack aisle. If you need something from that section, consider going to the supermarket when your daughter is not with you.
Sleep and food. Children will often lose control over their emotions if they are tired or hungry. Perhaps, switch the time you take your daughter to the supermarket or be sure to feed her a snack before you leave the house. This can reduce the occurrences of tantrums.
School Age
Elementary school children may occasionally throw tantrums when sitting down to do their homework. This will often occur if your child is inundated by work or exhausted from lack of sleep. These fits can involve your child slamming textbooks closed or breaking pencils in frustration. On the other hand, your child could simply break down in tears because she feels she will never complete the assignment. Occasional fits involving homework are normal, but if they are occurring on a weekly basis, consider taking the following steps:
Establish a routine. Set aside a regular time and place where your daughter can do her homework. This will ensure that she feels in control and will give her more confidence when approaching her homework tasks.
Sleep, sleep, sleep. For preschoolers and elementary school children, sleep in an essential part of the puzzle. Children who are rested are better able to handle obstacles with poise.
Testing. If you notice a discrepancy between your child’s potential and her performance, consider getting an academic evaluation. There might be something larger, such as a learning disability, at work.
More Than Meltdowns
There are many instances in which the meltdowns are not normal. In fact, I have devoted a lot of time to studying and treating Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), an increasingly common disorder today. Children with ODD stand out from other children who are occasionally cranky or argumentative and there may be more than regular temper tantrums going on.
Explosive children or those with ODD are easily frustrated, demanding, and inflexible. When things don’t go their way, they react with violence or rage. Their siblings are afraid of them. Their parents are constantly walking on eggshells, terrified of the next outburst. They have barely any friends. And they can erupt in temper tantrums, kicking, screaming, sudden outbursts, and verbal or physical aggression, usually in response to relatively benign situations.
How can you respond to oppositional behavior? Dr. Greene suggests Plan B. Plan B allows you to respond to the defiant behavior in a systematic way in order to stay calm and help calm your child. Below are the steps that I often teach parents in order to work with their own children with ODD:
| Step 1: Empathy | Step 2: Define Problem | Step 3: Invite Solutions |
| Gather information about the problem so that you can better understand what your child is going through. Try to approach the problem from your child’s perspective. | Verbalize the problem out loud so that your child hears your empathy and understanding. Begin with something such as, “Your concern is…” or “You are frustrated about…” | Now that the problem has been empathized with and verbalized, brainstorm realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions with your child. |
Another approach, proposed by the American Academy of Children and Adolescent Psychiatry, involves cognitive problem solving skills training. This approach is similar to Dr. Greene’s Plan B in that it reduces inappropriate behaviors by teaching the child positive ways of responding to stressful situations. The Academy argues that because children with ODD often only know of negative ways of interpreting and responding to real-life situations, they do not have the skills to respond positively. Therefore, cognitive problem-solving skills training teaches them how to see situations and respond appropriately.
In some situations in which cognitive problem solving skills training is not successful, the AACAP suggests medication to alleviate extreme symptoms of ODD.
Need some more suggestions? There are some great resources out there – books and workshops! And of course, Dr. Greene will be coming to Brooklyn next November. You can benefit from his expertise then!
