From the day they were born, you and your child have been developing your own language, together. Until middle school. At around eleven, kids begin the normal and necessary work of pulling apart from their parents.
The above passage comes from Michelle Icard’s book entitled Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. In her book, Icard lays out the ways that parent-child communication changes as children grow, and gives tips as to how parents can adapt to ensure that they are heard even as their children may be developing an identity separate from the parental home.
Early in life, you develop special bonds with your children. You understand them in ways that often other people cannot. You know what a particular cry means when they are babies, and you recognize that when your daughter’s eyes well up with tears she is actually angry and not upset. You understand that your son is uncomfortable when he smiles widely and breathes through his nose. You feel your child’s intense need for a hug, even before she moves in to put her arms around you.
A lot of this unique and personal language that you develop with your child happens until around the time your child starts sixth or seventh grade. Icard writes, “As tweens set their feet on the long path to adulthood, the first and most important thing they do is begin to establish their own identity. Simply put, this means figuring out who they are apart from you.”
Suddenly, it may start to feel like your child does not want to speak to you at all. And this is especially difficult at this age since you may feel an even more pressing need to support and protect them as they gain independence. But, part of that independence means that often the first thing that tweens do is shut down communication with their parents. And what do we do as parents? We often turn up the volume. Instead of changing the channel, we make more noise. We speak more slowly, but we say the same things. That in turns makes our children lock down tighter.
So how do we reconcile a tween’s need to separate from us with our parental desires and obligations to keep them safe, smart, and connected? We learn to speak a new language.
Icard explains the often paradoxical feelings parents having about communicating with and keeping tweens and teens safe:
Sometimes, making your tween’s world smaller is the best way to keep them safe. This is not a book that shrugs off discipline and boundaries. But sometimes, parents resort to the “shut it down” approach because they feel they lack other viable options. They don’t trust that their kids will make smart decisions, so they deny them the opportunity to make any decisions. The irony is, kids don’t learn how to make smart decisions without practice. Given that kids need to have experiences, good and bad, to learn from, the best thing that a parent can do is help them evaluate, process, and reflect on what works and what doesn’t That only happens through good conversations. In other words, Experience + Conversation = Powerful Learning
She suggests using the BRIEF model for conversations. Brief is an acronym for five different stages that can provide a road map for almost any serious conversation with your children.
- B. Begin peacefully. We might unknowingly come into a serious conversation with our children with our hackles up, this in turn will encourage our children to shut down even more. In other words, in order to hear and to be heard, we need to set the stage for a peaceful and calm conversation. This means we need to control many of the strong emotions that we are likely feeling, especially at the beginning of the conversation.
- R. R Try to see the situation from your child’s viewpoint. Don’t give opinions, but listen actively, relating to your child’s struggle and experience.
- Interview. You are the authority figure here, but you are an empathetic authority figure. This means that when you ask questions you are asking them so you can fully understand what happened, not to catch your child in a lie or to teach him a lesson. Instead, ask questions to paint a full picture of the situation you want to discuss.
- E. E Let your child know that you are actively listening by reflecting back her statements to you. Say things like, “It sounds like you are feeling…” Or “You mentioned that thing made you feel…”
- Feedback. This is the part most parents wait for, but it’s also incredibly important for it to be last. As a parent, you need to set the stage for a productive and supportive conversation, and then you can give your feedback about the situation. It is much more likely you will be heard if you are able to start in a calm manner, relate, ask non-judgmental questions, and echo your child’s feelings.
Icard has a list of the fourteen different conversations she feels it is essential for parents to have with their children before they turn fourteen. Among those topics are technology, hard work, and money. Of course, everyone has their own ideas about what those important conversations are – but if you keep them BRIEF – you just might develop a new effective language with your children.