Shmuli R.’s mother lives in a minefield.
“Anything can set off an explosion,” she said during her initial consultation with me. “Getting Shmuli to do his homework; telling him to wear a coat; not having what he wants for supper – if things don’t go his way, he explodes. He screams and kicks and totally loses control from one second to the next.”
“Living with Shmuli is so stressful. He says terrible things, slams doors, breaks things, and kicks anyone and anything near him whenever he gets angry. It’s awful. He once smashed an expensive mirror. Another time, he kicked holes in his bedroom door. He’s shattered plates, glasses, and vases. I don’t know how to deal with him,” she said.
She described the methods she had tried.
“I must have made dozens of sticker charts, but they don’t work. I tried being firm and putting him in time-out, but that doesn’t work, either. The last time I dragged him into time-out, he was so furious; he kicked me in the face,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes. “Most of the time, when he explodes, I either end up yelling back at him or just giving in and letting him do what he wants.”
Any parent of an explosive child can feel Mrs. R.’s pain and desperation. And any parent of any child can benefit from learning how to deal with explosiveness. Dr. Ross Greene, Harvard University clinical psychologist, acclaimed author, and renowned expert on explosive children, says that the first thing parents and teachers have to recognize is that the children are really not at fault. They don’t want to be “bad” or manipulative or hurtful.
Dr. Greene’s premise is “Children do well if they can.” That goes against all the parents and teachers who have ever told a child, “You could control yourself if you wanted to.” Shmuli can’t control his outbursts. In fact, explosive children are disabled – just like a child with a learning disability. That means that to help them, we have to enable them. We help them the same way we help the learning disabled child: by teaching them the crucial thinking skills they are lacking. These skills include delaying gratification, shifting from one mindset to another, and thinking through possible solutions.
This is an eye-opening concept for parents and teachers. Explosive children are usually considered spoiled, naughty, chutzpahdik, seeking attention, or just not trying hard enough to behave. But the fact is that explosive children can’t control their behavior. They don’t know how.
The problem has broad social implications. Dr. Stuart Ablon, co-founder of the Center for Collaborative Problem Solving, and co-author of Treating Explosive Kids, says that there are twelve million misunderstood and mistreated kids in the U.S. Juvenile Detention system. Many have been labeled oppositional/defiant, or a myriad of other diagnoses. A large percentage are explosive, and have been punished continually, from early childhood. The prisons try to motivate these children with a point system that rewards good behavior. This approach is doomed to failure – because the children can’t behave; if they don’t have the necessary skills. Instead, Dr. Ablon favors an approach that teaches delinquents the skills they are lacking.
Incidentally, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg recently announced that the Juvenile Justice Commission will be merged with the City’s Administration for Children’s Services. Child psychologists hope that the move will lead to a system that will actually teach troubled teens skills, rather than just award or punish them; and reduce the number of juvenile detainees who become adult criminals. The important point for us is that the only way to deal with “behavior disabled” children is to teach them skills.
Why the Usual Methods Don’t Work
For decades, parents have tried positive reinforcement programs, like sticker charts and prizes. Such incentives don’t work well with explosive children who don’t have skills, because they don’t teach anything, and they set the child up for failure. The child cannot earn stickers, because he doesn’t know how.
“We were desperate to get Malky to stop behaving explosively, and we figured that if there was any incentive that would do the trick, it was an American Girl doll. She had been wanting one for so long,” says Mrs. Y. “Malky even drew the chart herself, but it was impossible for her to ‘behave’. She ended up ripping the chart to shreds, and kicking and screaming that she doesn’t want a stupid doll, anyway.”
Making a chart that rewards an explosive child for staying calm is like making a chart rewarding me for reading a Chinese newspaper. I can’t read Chinese – not for a sticker, not for a prize, not even for a trip to Israel! That doesn’t make me bad; it simply demonstrates that I don’t have the necessary knowledge and skills. The only solution that would make sense would be to hire a teacher to teach me Chinese.
By the same token, an explosive child can’t react calmly to frustration, because he doesn’t know how. The only solution is to teach him and give him the tools he needs to succeed. Often that means hiring a professional to teach him those skills.
Many people believe that explosive children should be punished. But punishment doesn’t work either. When a socially-mature child doesn’t want to do something, his parents can be firm and insistent. For example, when a child doesn’t obey the first time they are asked to do something, a parent might say, “I want you to do this now. One, two, three.” By the count of three, the child generally scrambles to obey. An explosive child will not. Yet because they have no alternative, parents find themselves using this method, and enduring explosions each time.
In fact, explosive children are scolded, put into time out, spanked, punished, suspended from school, and medicated; much more often than other children. They seem to be defiant, and are often indeed labeled as having Oppositional/Defiant Disorder. Yet punishment is futile. It can even trigger an outburst, creating a vicious cycle of misbehavior, punishment, and much angst. Punishment doesn’t work, for the same reason that awards and charts don’t work: It doesn’t teach the child the skills he needs. And until he has the skills, he will not be able to avoid punishment.
Another approach many parents use is to give in. Shmuli’s mother lets him go to bed without brushing his teeth, because it isn’t worth the confrontation. She writes him excuse notes when he doesn’t do his homework, because she wants to avoid a scene. She lets him dictate where the family will go on vacation, even if his siblings object, because it is just easier than going against his will.
While this definitely makes things easier in the short term, it is not effective; first, because the child gets away with some pretty miserable behavior; and mostly, because, like with incentives and punishments, it doesn’t teach him any skills. It also shows the child that his parents are afraid of him – not a very good thing for him to think.
I must point out, however, the difference between giving in and wisely choosing battles. A parent who is teaching a child the skills he needs might give in without battling about issues that are not very important or dangerous. In this way, the parent concentrates his efforts on the important issues and on teaching skills. So if Yocheved is upset because she doesn’t want to eat chicken on a particular night, her mother might allow her to eat a peanut butter sandwich for supper; if she feels that it is not detrimental to her health. The mother is saving her teaching opportunities for more important issues.
Forecast – Explosive Storm Coming
When a child is in the midst of an explosion, there are techniques a parent can use to attempt to diffuse the situation. But it is hard to contain a blasting bomb. It is much easier to solve problems proactively. Proactive teaching means working with a child during a quiet time.
In order to teach the child, parents need to recognize the likely triggers for an explosion. Inflexibility, difficulty with handling transitions, difficulty with adapting, and being unable to change a mindset can all be factors in explosiveness. Psychologist Dr. Douglas Riley adds that there are several hidden causes for explosiveness, including hidden anxiety and depression, sensitivities, and food allergies.
Explosive children want things to happen a certain way, and can’t adapt well to a different reality. So Moshe might explode when his favorite pajamas are in the hamper, or when someone disagrees with him about the rules of a game. Chany gets worked up every time her mother tells her to stop reading and get ready for bed. Many of these triggers are predictable, and parents can diffuse tensions by acting proactively to teach their children how to react to the inevitables in life.
Helping the Explosive Child
Parents play a very significant role in helping the explosive child, because their response to explosiveness makes all the difference. It is crucial for parents to think clearly and stay calm – not an easy thing to do when a child is in the midst of a full blown tantrum, complete with kicking, screaming, and breaking things. Parents should also avoid turning the episode into a power struggle.
So what should they do?
Collaborative Problem Solving
Collaborative Problem Solving means working with the child to solve problems. When an adult works together with the child, they can come to mutually satisfactory solutions and avoid much anger, aggravation, and explosion. Moshe’s parents might work with him to figure out a satisfactory way to voice his disappointment and move on when things don’t go his way. Chany’s parents might discuss a bedtime routine that is satisfactory to her and to them. The first step in helping the child is empathy – showing the child that you understand their problem, and acknowledging the difficulty involved.
Example #1: You really wanted to go to the park. Now it’s raining, and we can’t go. That is so disappointing!
Example #2: That was a real lively Monopoly game. It must be so frustrating to have to stop playing and get ready for bed.
Example #3: I see a fight brewing here. Yossi, you were playing with the Gameboy, and Hindy is badgering you to give it to her. It’s hard to be interrupted like that in the middle of a game.
By stating the problem, you show the child that you truly understand the issue at play. By empathizing, you show that you understand and validate his feelings. The next step is collaborative problem solving. The key word is collaborative – the child must be involved in coming up with solutions.
Example #1: Do you have any idea of what we can do instead of going to the park?
Example #2: The problem is that it is already past 9:00, and your bedtime is 8:30. Maybe you can come up with an idea so that you won’t ruin the game, and still go to sleep on time.
Example #3: Hindy really wants the Gameboy now. Maybe you can work something out with her, so that you both get a fair turn to play.
Again, the key here is “collaborative.” The child has to be involved in the process. He or she has to be offered the chance to think of a solution. The problem solving session can actually be quite lengthy, as parent and child toss around solutions. It is important to keep listening to the child with empathy throughout the process. If the child has no solutions, the parent might offer one of her own, but make certain that it is satisfactory to the child.
Example #2: How about if we put the Monopoly board away without messing it up? Then you can finish the game tomorrow. Where can we put it so that it doesn’t get messed up?
I cannot stress enough that this is not easy – especially when your child is at the cusp of an explosion. Collaborative Problem Solving is much easier when there is no storm brewing. Suppose the child in Example #2 has an issue with bedtime every night. A proactive collaborative problem solving session would involve the child in creating a mutually-satisfactory bedtime routine, during the day, when bedtime is a safe few hours away.
Collaborative Problem Solving takes a major effort. Many parents need professional help in training their explosive children. But no matter how hard it is to help the child, the reward is worth the effort. First, because you will have warded off disaster; and most importantly, because you are teaching your child crucial skills that will change his life.
