The common mistake that bullies make is assuming that because someone is nice that he or she is weak. Those traits have nothing to do with each other. In fact, it takes considerable strength and character to be a good person.
If people are trying to bring you down, it only means you are above them.
The above anti-bullying quotes are important points to remember when thinking about bullying and the effects it can have on children. In my office, I’ve been seeing younger and younger children who are victims or perpetrators of bullying. Most recently, I met with a parent who was worried her kindergartener was being bullied. She said to me, “It feels like bullying, but can five-year-olds really bully? Don’t you have to be a bit older to be a bully?”
That’s a good question. Can kindergarteners bully? Most people don’t believe that young children have the ability or the capacity to bully, but the reality is that that’s not always true. Let me illustrate this through a short example that I recently observed while visiting a neighborhood school. I noticed a group of seven girls playing hopscotch together at recess. After a few moments, one of the girls, who wore her hair in a pink headband, turned to the rest and whispered, “Who is six? Only six-years-old are allowed to play now.” Three of the girls got visibly paler and said, “Why? That’s not fair!” But the girl with the pink headband exclaimed, “That’s the rules. Only six-year-olds. No five-year-olds allowed.” With that, the four six-year-olds continued to play hopscotch while the remaining five-year-olds simply stared and then quietly walked away.
It’s hard to see such young girls acting in what seems to be such a cruel manner, but The New York Times reports that bullying at this age is more common than we think. Stephanie Bryn, a Public Health Service officer who oversees the government’s “Stop Bullying Now!” program is starting a campaign geared toward 5-to 8-year old children. Originally, they thought they would start the program in first grade, but they found that “Girl relational bullying has been under the radar… We realized we need to address this in kindergarten.”
Even in preschool, children include and exclude each other, teasing or calling each other names. Teachers will interfere at this age – letting children know that they have to include everyone or be nice to their friends. But, by kindergarten and elementary school children are less supervised and therefore begin to test the influence of their own power.
So, how can you as a parent of a young girl, make sure that she is not a target of bullying? Two psychologists who between the two of them have six daughters wrote a book entitled Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades that helps parents educate their daughters about bullying. Here are their tips:
Observe. Watch how your daughter interacts with her friends on a regular basis, to better understand her social skills. This casual observation will give you the ability to easily understand when something is wrong during the unavoidable social struggle.
Connect. With carpools to drive and dinners to make, many of your interactions with her will be goal focused, rather than relationship-oriented. Taking fifteen minutes to really talk to your daughter about her day will develop and intensify your relationship with her. Try asking specific questions about her day in order to gain an understanding of her experiences. In addition, let her know that you are listening to her by reflecting her statements and feelings.
Guide. Upon observation and after connecting with your daughter, you are ready to work with her to allow her to come up with some possibilities in order to exit a painful situation. Sharing stories with her about your own childhood will also help her understand that everyone goes through these experiences and it is possible to resolve them.
Support to act. Observation, connection, and guidance all lead to this step, in which your child acts from a secure base (her relationship with you) and a place of personal power (her ability to come up with solutions). Together, figure out ways that she can enact a solution she came up with previously.
These steps may happen quickly or they may take some time. Please remember that you can never have too many people supporting your daughter. Therefore, if you need extra help from a teacher, friend, school counselor, or therapist, be sure to look for it. No one goes through life without a scratch, so it is good to have a plan for finding additional support in advance.
With the “bully epidemic” that has been occurring across the country and even in our communities, it’s important for our communities to create systems that bring awareness to this phenomenon. To that end, I have written the illustrated children’s book My Friend, the Bully, which depicts a student within the yeshiva system who endures bullying, but ultimately overcomes it when the help of his teachers, menahel, and parents. It’s a community effort that is going to break the bullying cycle and assure that our children are protected and safe. Even when they are in kindergarten!