“Mommy, can I please have some more raisins?”
“Of course, Miriam. They’re right on the counter.”
“Thank you. They are so sweet today!”
“Yitzi, would you like to erase the board.”
“Yes, please, Mrs. Rosenblum.”
“Mr. Schapiro, can I help you with your bags?”
“Oh, thank you, Aryeh. That would be very nice.”
“How are you today, Mrs. Eckstein? I haven’t seen you all week.”
“I’m good. Baruch Hashem. Thanks for asking, Sara.”
When children speak kindly, politely and respectfully, they are treated kindly, politely and respectfully in return. In addition, their respectful attitude creates an environment of menschlichkeit and simplicity. And, who doesn’t want to raise a mentsch?
Demand Good Manners
Sometimes it might feel silly to constantly tell your children to say “please” and “thank you,” but in reality, when kids say these “magic words,” they learn that there is an exchange going on – rather than thinking that they simply deserve all the good things they get. This helps instill gratitude. And, don’t forget to reinforce them positively when they are polite without your prodding!
Prohibit Rudeness
Just because your child is upset, that does not mean that he can call his brother a name or talk back to you. While children should be able to express frustration, it is up to you to teach them how to express it in a healthy and constructive manner.
Therefore, instead of telling his brother, “You are such a stinky face,” teach him to say, “I am really annoyed at the way you keep breaking my Legos.” In this way, you teach him to use “I statements,” thereby shifting the attention away from the other person and onto the speaker in order to articulate what is bothering him. Help him express himself by asking questions to get to the core of his problem. Regardless, you should not allow your child to speak disrespectfully to you or to a sibling because that behavior will only escalate outside of the home.
Teach Listening Skills
This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching). Listening skills are among the most important social skills that people can cultivate. Perhaps the most essential part of listening skills is eye contact. That means that children should be encouraged to look at you when you are speaking to them. If they are reading, you should ask them to stop for a moment until you are done speaking.
The same goes for parents: when your children are speaking to you, if you are looking at your phone, you should put it down in order to model eye contact. Of course, there will be times when this is not possible, but when having meaningful conversations with your children, eye contact should be maintained. That means no books or phones at the dinner table. This demonstrates respect for the conversation and those around you.
Set Rules and Stick to Them
When you set boundaries, children understand that they are not the only ones who matter. This is an important element to menschlichkeit as being a mentsch essentially means understanding that there are other people who deserve respect, just like you. Setting house rules is a way to help children respect their environment, which will be beneficial in other environments.
Regardless of what those rules are, be sure to enforce the consequences if they are broken. If you tell your children, “Hang up your towels after the bath, otherwise there are no books before bedtime,” you must follow through. Granted, you can remind your children multiple times, but if you do not enforce the consequences, your children will not respect the rules.