My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw”?
I said, “Not today. I got a lot to do,” he said, “That’s ok.”
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him”
Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and said with a smile
“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then
“Cats in the Cradle” is a song about a father and son. But, it’s also about parenting and the ways in which we sometimes miss opportunities. Drs. Shauna Shapiro and Chris White collaborated on Mindful Discipline: A Loving Approach to Setting Limits and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, in which they outline ways to help your child grow and ways to learn from your mistakes. After all, we don’t want to turn around and realize that our children have all grown up without love, guidance, and support.
One of the key tenets in the book is that children need five things from their parents in order to have a healthy relationship:
Unconditional love. The first step in a healthy parent-child relationship is that a child needs to know that he is loved, and that this love will not be taken away. When our children feel this unconditional love, the very best of them comes out. They feel comfortable being themselves because they know that they will be accepted no matter what.
Space. Unconditional love gives children the space to be themselves. They retain a basic trust in the world and a sense of their inherent value as human beings. When they feel protected and safe, they are able to explore and engage in the world creatively. This allows them to gain an increasing sense of responsibility over themselves.
Mentorship. Through direct instruction and our behavior as role models, we teach our children skills that are applicable to their everyday lives. At times, we might cultivate generalized capacities such as middos or courage; at other times, how to tie shoes and brush teeth. Giving your children the ability to take care of themselves and thrive is the essence of parenting.
Healthy boundaries. Often parents think that in order to preserve their loving connection with their children (based on unconditional love), they cannot set strong limits and boundaries. Shapiro and White argue that this is not accurate. When we offer our children strong clear boundaries, we create a sense of safety. We also indicate unequivocally who is the parent and who is the child. While there are times where we might let the child lead, in the broad sense, children need to know that the parent is taking care of them. Shapiro and White call this a “loving hierarchy.”
This loving hierarchy is a balance between authoritarian parenting (“I am always in charge. You will do as I say. Because I said so.”) and permissive parenting (“Dinner is whatever you can find in the fridge. Don’t wake me when you get home. Oh, you had a test in school today?”). A loving hierarchy allows your child to know that he is loved for and taken care of and therefore has limits, but also gives him space to occasionally take the reigns himself.
Mistakes. Shapiro and White actually spell the word as “mis-takes” in their book. They use that spelling to signify that these are “missed takes” or times that we missed the mark and need to redirect. Rather than seeing these as errors, we can see them as ways to allow ourselves to recognize our vulnerabilities and improve our parenting.
Discipline
Just like in Daniel Siegel’s book No Drama Discipline, Shapiro and White point out that “discipline” comes from the Latin root “to teach.” They argue that discipline should be about helping your child cultivate greater happiness and health in his life. Mindful discipline involves disciplining in a “conscious, loving way that can deeply support your child’s growth and development. It’s about being attuned to the present moment so that you know what the most skillful action is in any given moment. Discipline will really not be impactful unless a parent are first and foremost present and connected with themselves and with their child. Parenting is not a flip chart, where you first do A, then B, then C. It’s really a dynamic process, and mindfulness is the best tool.” To that end, their book offers fifteen mindful awareness practices that help parents increase their capacity to be present, clear-minded, and heartfelt as they set limits. Obviously, there will be moments that being mindful will elude you like a screaming child in the grocery store the week before Pesach. But, the idea behind mindful discipline is that you try to live in the moment, adjusting to needs of the situation, and, of course, growing from your mistakes!
Register now for a Social Thinking workshop by Michelle Garcia Winner on November 16, 2016. Please call Mrs. Schonfeld at 718-382-5437 for more information.