After spending so much time studying shame and its negative effects, Brown wanted to study its flipside. As she investigated people who lived wholehearted lives, she discovered that the common denominator among all of those who had overcome shame was vulnerability.
According to Brown, vulnerability is “the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” She references Theodore Roosevelt’s speech in order to explain what she means. President Roosevelt said, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs…. [And] if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
How does this connect to vulnerability and happiness? She posits that through her research she has seen time and again that those who live happy lives allow themselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is about showing up in the arena, getting dusty and sweaty, and not about winning or losing.
Brown illustrates this idea through a story about a man she once interviewed. He once told her, “My whole life, I never got too excited about anything. That way if things didn’t work out, I wasn’t devastated, and if they did, it was a pleasant surprise.” And when this man was in his 60s, his wife of 40 years was killed in a car accident. He told me, “The second I realized she was gone, I knew I should have leaned harder into those moments of joy. Because not doing so did not protect me from what I feel now.” Instead of loving the moment and exposing himself, instead of being vulnerable, this man lost out on moments of joy.
Vulnerability and Parenting
Brown asserts that we can be better parents when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. She tells her children (and herself), “Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions…. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.”
Through an embrace of our vulnerability, we can help our children feel a sense of love and belonging – perhaps the most important elements of leading a happy life.