When was the last time you listened – really listened – to your child excitedly recount an episode at school, a problem with a teacher or a friend, or any of the many trials and triumphs that make up a child’s average day?
True, life is full of pressures. We may be torn in many directions; we may be coping with financial, health or family issues that leave us feeling drained. Nevertheless, if we cannot muster genuine interest when our child pleads for our attention, what message are we giving him?
The message is: I have more important priorities in life than you.
Nine-year-old Ari waits impatiently for his father to come home at the end of the day. The wonderful news is bubbling inside him. With superhuman effort he holds it in check. Tatty must be the first to know.
When at last his father walks through the door, his son runs to him ecstatically. “Tatty! Guess what?!”
But his father barely notices him. A quick nod, perfunctory smile – Tatty’s mind is clearly elsewhere. He drops his briefcase and hat on the table, whips out his cell phone and dials a number.
“Heshy? It’s Dovid. Cancel those last few points we made in the proposal. I have a whole new approach. Tell you about it as soon as I get a bite to eat.”
Ari approaches his father again. “Tatty! You won’t believe it! Guess what happened today? I got picked for masmid of the month!”
But the only response he gets is that little nod again, with the friendly smile, like the mailman receives for bringing the mail. Tatty is in the kitchen, lifting a lid off one of the pots bubbling on the stove, glancing up at Mommy in surprise as she gestures urgently toward Ari, thinking Ari doesn’t notice.
“Oh – sorry! What’s that, Ari? Masmid of the month? Hey, that’s great! Keep it up, tzaddik. –Miriam, when’s supper? I have to meet with Heshy about the Landswirth account but he’s got to leave by 8:00. Think we can be finished by then?”
Ari’s eyes, shining just moments before with the anticipation of Tatty’s pride in his accomplishment, are still shining, but with a strange wetness. And in his mind is a thought that brings a lump to his throat. Being masmid of the month, something he’d tried with all his might to achieve, is not really so important after all.
Key To Success
So much of a child’s motivation and incentive to do well in school comes from the desire to make his parents proud of him. Parental indifference can seriously undermine not only his scholastic performance but his conduct in and out of the classroom, his over all self-image and his trust in adults.
The research overwhelmingly demonstrates that parent involvement in children’s learning improves student achievement. When parents are engaged in working directly with their children on learning activities in the home, the benefits are immediately apparent in the classroom, teachers report.
Programs which involve parents in reading with their children, supporting their work on homework assignments, or tutoring them using materials and instructions provided by teachers, show particularly impressive results.
The research also shows that the earlier in a child’s educational process parent involvement begins, the more powerful the effects will be.
In a summary of selected research by the noted organization, The Parent Institute, Dr. John Wherry shows evidence that students with involved parents are more likely to earn higher grades and test scores, have better social skills, show good behavior and adapt well to school.
Ongoing family involvement at home appears to protect children as they progress through school, Wherry writes. “The research evidence is now beyond dispute. When parents work together with teachers to support learning, children tend to succeed not just in school, but throughout life.”
Competing Priorities
There was a time, not too long ago, when being a good parent was the most valued achievement in our community. There was a time when mothers and fathers prided themselves more than anything else on raising happy, healthy children who reflected their values.
Today, we pay a great deal of lip service to this concept, but in practice, we allow many other priorities, such as succeeding in our careers, social obligations and self-fulfillment, to compete with the one we profess to cherish most.
This subtle shift in attitude is not only a byproduct of changing mores in the secular world that have impacted religious society. It is also a result of heightened financial pressures that force fathers to work too many hours and to be consumed with personal advancement on the job.
The need for a two-parent income is driving mothers out of their traditional “stay-at-home” role in raising their children, propelling them into the work force or back to school to acquire marketable skills and training.
Most would agree that religious society today, affected by current trends in the secular world, tends to relegate stay-at-home mothers to a lowered status. Almost any job performed out of the house claims more respect today than occupying oneself with childcare all day long.
The pitfalls of this development are obvious. Human nature is such that the drive to succeed at one’s job tends to swallow one’s life – to actually become one’s life. Arriving home after a long day at work, nearly exhausted, how many parents have the energy or clear-headedness to spend quality time with their children? In how many homes is the perfunctory “How was school today?” followed by a spaced-out expression in the parent’s eyes as the child tries to communicate her happiness and woes.
“Latchkey Kids”
It is indeed saddening and sobering to consider the how truly “missing in action” many mothers and fathers have become when it comes to parenting their children. The “absentee” parent may be physically present but nonetheless, almost wholly inaccessible.
As children get older, parents’ work schedules get even heavier. Often, children are left alone for a few hours each day after school. This is where the term “latchkey kids” originated – children would wear the house key around their neck since no one was at home to unlock the door and greet them when they came home.
“Latchkey kids” are more common in the religious community than we would like to think. Left to their own devices, these children begin to get into things they should not. Without parental supervision, they fall into trouble – they read inappropriate books and magazines and eventually find access to other harmful media.
They may form friendships that bring out negative conduct and lead them in directions that would shock their parents – if only their parents were tuned in sufficiently to be aware of what was going on.
Dangers Posed By Technology
Many experts believe that the need for parental involvement in their children’s lives has increased in direct proportion to the rising pervasiveness of hi-tech telecommunications in our society. The Daily Telegraph, a British newspaper, in an article titled, “How Technology Rules The Home” describes the effect of technology on parenting today:
“Technology is destroying traditional family life as young adolescents increasingly spend more time in their bedrooms playing computer games, watching videos or communicating with friends via cell phone texting or e-mail… The wealth of technology means that a significant number of children are not experiencing family life. Parenting has been turned over to computers!
“There are toddlers who can operate a computer better than many adults. Of course, there are certain computer games that may help in a child’s education. But the majority of the time spent in front of a screen, watching or playing video games is not educational. Any parent would freely admit this.
“Parents seem to be willing to give up their responsibility to teach their children how to live, how to think and how to become productive, successful adults.”
The above critique was made of secular society, but it can’t be denied that its views reflect trends in our own religious community as well.
Throughout Jewish history, the family unit has been a bulwark of protection and support, enabling its members to survive and prosper even under daunting conditions. Parental involvement in their children’s day-to-day life and education was the bedrock of the family infrastructure that perpetuated Jewish community life, scholarship and education.
In many homes, today, parental involvement in the lives and education of their children is below standard, even among yeshiva or day school parents. It would seem to be common sense that children yearn for and thrive on parental closeness and togetherness. Yet, just when such intimate bonds are so badly needed to offset the breakdown of family values in Western society, we see that positive force in decline.
Reversing that trend and replacing parent “absenteeism” with parental engagement is vital not only for our children’s success in school, but for the broader goal of preparing them to fill their roles as tomorrow’s Jewish mothers and fathers.
