Q: The rebbe of my six-year-old son expressed his concern that my son teases and bosses his friends (especially whoever sits next to him in class). As a mother, I would like to give the rebbe as much support as I can by trying to address the matter at home. My difficulty is that I have hardly seen this behavior at home, so I have limited “hands-on” opportunity to help him improve in this area. I can talk to him and explain why this sort of behavior is inappropriate and try to help him understand that the recipient of his teasing feels bullied, but how else can I help my son?
(Our son is the younger of two boys, his brother being ten. Although we have a relatively small family, friends do play in our house constantly, so he still receives ample social stimulation and learning opportunities.)
Thank you!
A: I’m really impressed that you asked this question. Many parents think that if their children are not acting out at home, they are probably model students in school as well. In fact, The Journal of the American Medical Association estimates that over 30% of children are involved in bullying, either as the target or as the perpetrator.
Though a six-year-old may seem a bit young for bullying, it is great to catch the behavior early because studies have shown that those who act as bullies seem to maintain these characteristics into adulthood, often negatively influencing their ability to develop mature adult relationships. So, good for you for asking this question! It shows how much you care about your son.
There are several ways that you can go about helping your son in order to minimize his bullying behavior in school:
- Observe. Pay close attention to the way both of your sons interact. Does your ten-year-old boss your six-year-old around? Is it the opposite? Your ten-year-old could unknowingly be ordering his younger brother around at the table, in the backyard, or in the car. Your older son might simply be trying to help his brother, but it might come off as bossing or bullying to your six-year-old. Perhaps without realizing it, your six-year-old is modeling the relationship he has with his older brother. If this is the case, talk to both children about ways that they can help and support each other without being bossy or domineering.
- Role-play. Even if you do not see the bullying at home, another option for addressing the negative behavior can be through role-playing. Set aside some quiet time in the evening or on a Sunday when your six-year-old is well-rested and relaxed. Then, reenact situations both as the bully and the victim. This will teach him the correct responses when he finds himself in a circumstance where he feels the urge to boss or bully.
- Right the wrongs. A great way to deter your child from negative behavior is to encourage him to reverse the damage that he has done. Some suggestions for righting the wrong are writing a letter to the target, inviting the child for a playdate, or giving a sincere compliment. This will not only make the victim feel more comfortable around your son, but will also give your six-year-old the satisfaction of positive social interactions. In turn, your child might hesitate to bully in the future.
- Schedule an appointment with the school. The best way to find out more information about your son’s behavior in school is to speak to the people who see him in school every day. Among those people are his rebbe, guidance counselors, and the principal. Letting them know that you are concerned about the issue and also taking steps to correct it will persuade them to support your son as well.
One of the hardest things for parents to contemplate is that their cute, innocent child is acting in a way that is hurtful to others. Yashar koach to you for confronting the bullying and making an effort to work on it. Possibly, understanding that these drives are natural and instinctive can help you deal with this difficult behavior. Dr. Michael Thompson, author of Best Friends/Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, explains, “All human beings have aggressive impulses, even children. And kids show their aggression through teasing and intimidation – it can begin when they’re as young as two and a half.”
So, don’t worry about your son. His behavior is quite typical and if you react appropriately, you will be able to channel all of that energy into positive endeavors.
