I won’t grow up, I don’t want to go to school. Just to learn to be a parrot, And recite a silly rule. If growing up means It would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up Not me! Not I, Not me! Not me!
I won’t grow up, I don’t want to wear a tie. And a serious expression In the middle of July. And if it means I must prepare To shoulder burdens with a worried air,
I’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up Not me, Not I, Not me! So there! Never gonna be a man, I won’t! Like to see somebody try And make me… The above lyrics are from a song Peter Pan sings to the Lost Boys in the school that they have created on Neverland. In her new book, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success, Julie Lythcott-Haims argues that parents today are teaching their children not to grow up. While, of course, parents want their children to grow into successful adults, the whole framework that exists today encourages children to remain dependent and helpless.
We organize and monitor play, we are fiercely protective of their time on the playground (to prevent abductions and even minor scrapes), we applaud their smallest achievements on a daily basis to build their self-esteem, and we push them to excel academically in all subjects at all times. As opposed to the parenting style of our grandparents or even some parents, this modern parenting requires much more time, effort, and patience. And, Lythcott-Haims argues, we raise children who look great on paper. But, those same kids seem to have a hard time making their way in the world without the constant involvement of their parents.
In How to Raise an Adult, Lythcott-Haims asks, “Did the safety-conscious, academic achievement-focused, self-esteem promoting, checklisted childhood that has been commonplace since the mid-1980s and in many communities has become the norm, rob kids of a chance to develop into healthy adults?”
She explains that “overparenting” has created a world in which children are used to their problems being solved for them. And, if their problems are always solved for them, is it too late to teach them to solve them for themselves? She provides the following metaphor:
We treat our kids like rare and precious botanical specimens and provide a deliberate, measured amount of care and feeding while running interference on all that might toughen and weather them. But humans need some degree of weathering in order to survive the larger challenges life will throw our way.
Another author who touches on this issue is Jessica Lahey, who wrote The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. The thesis of both books is the same: we as parents need to take a step back and allow our children to make mistakes, thereby growing into independent problem-solving adults. Here are some concrete suggestions for “raising an adult”:
Unstructured time. Children need time that isn’t scheduled. They need to have time to sit at home and figure out what to play or do. They need time to be bored. If children’s every free moment is involved in karate, playdates, basketball club, and other activities, they will never learn how to entertain themselves. Learning what to do when you have nothing to do is an extremely important part of being an independent adult.
Learning as opposed to “doing” school. Today, children focus on getting the best grades, taking the right classes, and getting into the right schools (after the school that they are in). But, this approach is so goal-oriented and takes away from the actual learning and laboring that children need to do in order to grow as independent thinkers. We need to promote learning for learning’s sake, rather than as a means to an end.
