Nechama W. is old enough to be entering shidduchim – but the thought makes her mother Mirel shudder in fear. Mirel’s fears are well grounded. Nechama is bright, attractive, and good-hearted; but she seems to be missing a certain touch.
“It’s hard to describe exactly what’s wrong,” Mirel said to me. “It’s very subtle. She doesn’t have a natural sense about how to behave around people. She can ask embarrassing questions, or not notice when someone wants to end the conversation. I hate to say this about my daughter, but she somehow irks people and gets on their nerves. And she’s totally unaware of it.” Mirel paused, and I could hear her pain in the silence.
“I can’t let her start shidduchim like this. It’s not going to work!” Mirel went on to tell me what a wonderful girl Nechama is.
“She’s a gem. She’s so giving and intelligent; she’d make a wonderful wife and mother. I so badly want to see her get the shidduch she deserves.”
Nechama is one of countless singles whose shidduch prospects are being limited by a lack of social skills. Such skills run the gamut from communication skills and grooming to anger management and stress control. And while social skills issues plague people of all ages, they are particularly damaging to singles on the shidduch scene.
The shidduch process is replete with innuendos and unspoken rules. How formal to act, how much to say, how to make appropriate eye contact – such nuances become all-important. Even the most socially aware single has her social antennae set on high when she first meets a marriage prospect. But people like Nechama are missing the feelers so crucial to such a meeting. They may suffer from poor conversation skills, and not know how to keep a conversation going. They may not notice when their date is disinterested or uncomfortable with certain topics. Or they may phrase questions in a probing, accusatory manner. These behaviors do not stem from poor middos. They are simply a lack of social awareness and skills.
The fact is that our society expects children to learn social skills by instinct. We expect children to intuit thousands of unspoken rules, and to develop socially, just by being part of a social society. This works, with varying degrees of success, for most. But many children will “miss the boat.” These are the children who are too loud or too shy; the ones who don’t know when to stop talking or can’t keep a conversation going; the ones who can’t read facial expressions and don’t make eye contact.
Often, poor social skills are interrelated with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can cause social issues, because children who don’t feel confident don’t have as many opportunities for social interaction as others. Poor social skills can also cause low self-esteem, because children who don’t behave properly are often snubbed or bullied.
Thankfully, social skills can be taught. Singles like Nechama can learn the unwritten shidduch-related social rules. And more important, they can learn social skills that will carry them way beyond the shidduch scene, and bring them success in marriage life, business, and community. Shidduch preparatory counseling teaches how to recognize nonverbal cues, respect personal space, communicate effectively, keep a conversation going, and more.
Not long ago, I counseled a twenty-year-old girl who told me she would never get married. She had suffered through years of being the class ‘neb,’ and had an extremely negative self-perception. It took just a few sessions to reveal the charming bright girl beneath the “nebby” façade. Within a few months, she was more self-confident, and comfortable enough about her social skills to listen to shidduchim. In a very short while, she got engaged to a wonderful boy. She credits her new social skills with getting her to this milestone.
“I feel like a new person,” she said. Her mother says that it is like someone turned the light on in her daughter’s life.
“She sees things she never saw before. She is attuned to other people’s reactions. She looks straight at you when she talks. I never would have believed that these changes were possible.”
Change is possible, even for people lacking very serious social skills, such as anger management. Anger is one of the most destructive forces in marriage, and very often, parents are aware of an anger problem in their children. Sadly, parents are not always desperate to treat such issues; first, because they may see it as a sporadic problem that crops up only on rare occasions; and second, because they don’t know that anger management can be taught.
But teaching anger management is the greatest contribution a parent can make to a child’s shalom bayis and to the lives of the couple and their future children.
Singles may struggle with other issues, such as the arts of conversation, compromise, and communication. The truth is that these skills are vital to people of all ages. But when it comes to shidduchim, a lack in any of these areas becomes highlighted, because they affect the dating process.
One young lady said that she couldn’t meet another shidduch prospect, because she always got stuck in conversation. In counseling, she learned how to maintain give and take, and move a conversation from Point A to Point B. She is now much more confident about her ability to shine on a date.
Helping a Single Who Can’t Commit
Singles who repeatedly reject shidduchim may struggle with commitment avoidance. It may feel safer to say ‘no’ to a shidduch than to take the awesome step of proposing or accepting a proposal. Admittedly, choosing a marriage partner is the greatest commitment a person will make in life; but a person should have the emotional security to make this decision when the right person comes along.
“I deal with singles who get involved in shidduchim, and back out just when everyone thinks things are working well,” one shadchan told me. “One girl actually took a boy on an emotional roller coaster ride, where he would propose, and she would say ‘give me two months,’ and then start over from square one. This went on for over a year. Eventually, he dropped her. She’s still single, only because she is afraid to make a commitment.”
“Sometimes, when a single hems and haws about the reason he or she is dropping the shidduch, I suspect that the problem has nothing to do with the person I set them up with,” the shadchan says. “They are just afraid to commit. It’s like something is holding them back.” She adds that the problem is common with both boys and girls.
“It’s an impossible struggle. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall, because I don’t see a way out.”
The good news is that there often is a way out of the problem. Commitment avoidance often stems from insecurity. A person who is emotionally secure can generally trust his or her judgment and make important decisions; while a person who struggles with low self esteem is plagued with doubts, not only about a potential shidduch, but also about his or her readiness for marriage.
Counseling is extremely beneficial to such singles. First and foremost, it can help people build the self esteem, and get rid of the negative perceptions that are crippling them. Then singles can be taught to recognize when they are rejecting a shidduch prospect on legitimate grounds, and when there are personal commitment issues standing in the way. They can also be guided through a particular shidduch, so that they can clearly judge the situation, and make the right decision.
Counseling has helped many singles with commitment avoidance take the crucial step to marriage.
Communication, Compromise, Grooming
There are many other issues that might necessitate pre-shidduch counseling. A lack in communication skills, and inability to compromise can make it very difficult for singles to successfully navigate the shidduch scene. They are even more detrimental in married life. Counseling can teach these skills.
Many singles need to learn proper grooming and hygiene. This may be somewhat baffling to parents who try to teach their children to tuck their shirts in, brush their teeth, clip their nails, and otherwise look neat and clean; to no avail. But adult children may perceive their parents’ admonitions as nagging. They are generally more receptive to guidance they receive in counseling.
Parents who recognize such issues in their children, and take steps to correct them, are giving their children the most important gift possible. They are preparing them to reach their potential and be the very best shidduch prospects, spouses, and parents possible.
