A few years ago, New York Times writer Tara Parker Pope wrote For Better, a book about the seven scientific secrets to a happy marriage. Using extensive research and scientific study, she details the seven ways to ensure a better marriage, even as the years go on. There is a lot out there on happy marriages. But how do you get to those happy marriages? What do you look for when you are dating?
For the past few years, I have been contributing to a shidduch forum for shadchanim, those in shidduchim, and parents of those in shidduchim. The questions that come up are important and varied – as shidduchim is an important and varied issue. Something that does not always come up in the forum, but is always in the back of everybody’s minds when in the parsha of shidduchim is: What do you look for in a spouse and how can you cultivate those qualities in yourself?
Below, in the spirit of new beginnings, I have outlined the three essential elements necessary for successful marriages and relationships.
Derech Eretz
There truly is no English equivalent of the term derech eretz as it encompasses a whole set of traits essential in both sides of a relationship. So, how do you know if someone has derech eretz? Below are some things to look out for when going on a shidduch.
The ability to control one’s temper. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, how does your date respond to the frustration of being late? Does he blame all the other cars, the weather, or the terrible roads in your neighborhood? Or, does he manage to hold it together and use the opportunity to get to know you better, asking pertinent questions and listening thoughtfully?
The ability to compromise. On the first date, it is hard to notice the characteristic of compromise; however, if you look closely, you might notice that when presented with an alternative that is not 100% pleasing, your shidduch is able to examine both sides and come to a happy medium. This ability to compromise is an indispensable part of a successful relationship. Without compromise, marriages could never work: resolving conflicts over simple issues such household chores, child care, and grocery bills could get completely out of hand.
Social Intelligence
Another area of social skills that is important to look out for when looking for the suitable shidduch is social intelligence. But, what specifically is social intelligence and how can you recognize it in others?
The ability to make friends and sustain friendships. People who have strong social networks of friends and family clearly are able to have long-term relationships. Listen to the way your date speaks about his or her friends. Does he have friendships that have lasted more than a few months or years? This indicates the ability to engage in positive relationships.
The power to conduct conversation with strangers or acquaintances. People who have social anxiety will often freeze up in the face of new and different people. Social anxiety can inhibit even the kindest and most interesting person; however, learning to overcome this phobia is definitely possible.
An understanding of non-verbal communication. Non-verbal communication consists of eye contact and body language. Mastering these skills will help you understand your shidduch date’s feelings and intentions and learn how to conduct yourself in the best light.
Self-Esteem
It might seem counter-intuitive, but in order for a person to establish a positive relationship with someone else, he or she must first have a positive relationship with him or herself. In other words, have a healthy dose of self-esteem.
Self-awareness. People who have positive self-esteem are aware of their strengths and weaknesses, and are comfortable with them. They attempt to place themselves in situations that bring out their best qualities.
A healthy balance. There is a fine line between self-esteem and ego. It is important for the person who you will develop a long-term relationship with to feel comfortable in his or her own skin and to refrain from putting other people down in order to make him or herself feel better. However, too much “self esteem” can lead to an inflated sense of worth that often makes others feel undeserving or unwanted.
Give and take. Positive self-esteem allows people to more easily compromise. After all, if they do not always feel threatened by other people, they are more willing and able to see the other side of the story.
Derech eretz, social intelligence, and self-esteem are important qualities to look for in a potential mate. Chances are, if you are looking for those traits in another person, other people are looking for those characteristics in you. If you don’t already portray them, is it possible to cultivate them? The answer is: yes. I have worked with dozens of young men and women who are entering the parsha of shidduchim to help them bring out these key qualities.
