“But, that is so unfair! I want to sleep over at Tali’s house tonight. You never let me go anywhere,” twelve-year-old Leora sobbed to her mother at dinnertime. Leora’s mother continued ladling out the pea soup to her younger children while she turned to Leora and calmly said, “Leora, you know it is a school night. You cannot stay at a friend’s house.” With that, Leora immediately began to bang on the table, jiggling the spoons and bowls.
Leora’s younger siblings are already familiar with this routine: Leora asks for something and when her mother says no, she instantly begins to wail and shriek. Generally, Leora’s mother ignores her outbursts and attends to Leora’s siblings. Eventually Leora wears herself out and storms off to her room. Yet, the fight does not end there. Whenever anyone mentions sleeping over a friend’s house, Leora will begin her screaming spiel again.
Next door, two-year-old Yitzi is getting ready for bed. He emerges from the bath and his mother begins to dress him in his favorite baseball pajamas. At first, Yitzi happily moves his arms and legs in order to squeeze into his pajamas, but when his mother unrolls his socks, Yitzi begins to screech, “No socks! No socks!”
Yitzi’s mother tries to understand his reaction and asked him, “Yitzi, it’s cold outside, you should wear socks. Why don’t you want to wear them to sleep?” However, instead of responding, Yitzi begins hitting his small fists against the floor and screaming, “No, no socks!” Exasperated, Yitzi’s mother decides to avoid a fight and allows him to go to bed without his socks on. The next night, she knows she can expect to have a similar fight again.
What Leora and Yitzi’s mothers do not know is that they are experiencing very similar behavior even though their children are such disparate ages. Temper tantrums or fits are common for “terrible twos” and children entering adolescence. Interestingly, the reasons behind the tantrums and the effective ways to deal with these tantrums are the same regardless of age.
What do toddlers and teenagers have in common?
Separation: Both toddlers and teenagers are undergoing a process called separation. As babies get older and gain new skills, such as walking, they begin to understand that they can leave their parents and that their parents can leave them. As Dr. T. Brazelton, the author of Toddlers and Parents, explains, “With the realization of independence and the ability to ‘leave’ comes an overwhelming feeling of dependence.” In other words, toddlers’ newfound capabilities frighten them and prompt them to cling to their parents more than in the past.
Just as toddlers are learning new skills, teenagers are discovering new worlds and opportunities beyond the home. Teenagers recognize the relationships they are creating with their friends and begin to understand that their worlds are not necessarily dominated by their parents. This feeling of independence from their parents coupled with the enduring dependence on parents for love, food, and shelter creates conflict when the adolescent attempts to separate.
Individuation: As toddlers show dramatic in motor coordination and cognitive skills, they begin to take pleasure in pursuing activities that are separate from their parents’ guidance. With this growing independence, toddlers begin the process called individuation. Individuation is the act of establishing an identity separate from those around a child. Karen Prager, the author of The Psychology of Intimacy, explains that children become fascinated with exercising and proving these developing competencies, thereby making this period on of “joyous self-discovery.”
Coupled with this enjoyable aspect of individuation is the frustration that toddlers feel when they cannot always do what they wish. Often, this growing sense of self clashes with the rules that parents set, spurring temper tantrums as the child attempts to individuate.
Children continue to create a sense of self as they grow, but in adolescence this individuation becomes even more essential to their development. Teenagers become connected to their friends and want to form an identity separate from their family. Often, adolescents, like twelve-year-old Leora, are frustrated by the limits their parents set on their freedom. As teenagers view themselves as distinct individuals, they resent their parents’ attempts to control their actions. This resentment often leads to temper tantrums, as the adolescents believe that they should be the only ones dictating the rules and restrictions.
Inability to Express Themselves: Another common element of toddlers and teenagers is their inability to communicate their feelings in a way that is constructive and beneficial. While toddlers are only just beginning to learn how to speak and manipulate words, teenagers face a different set of communication issues. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, points out that teenagers like Leora are “easily overwhelmed by frustration, and once she’s overwhelmed, it’s practically impossible for her to think rationally until she calms down.”
How can you help your child?
Now that we understand that separation, individuation, and an inability to express themselves are at the root of toddler and teenage temper tantrums, what can we do to minimize, manage, and prevent those tantrums? Because the cause of the tantrums is the same regardless of age, the strategies in dealing with these tantrums are very similar.
Constructive Discussions: If your child has asked a question that you believe will lead to a tantrum if you answer with a contradictory response, there are several methods you can use to minimize their reaction. The authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, give the following advice:
Let children make choices: If you think that your two-year-old is not going to want to wear his socks to sleep, before he gets worked up, ask him, “Yitzi, do you want to wear your blue socks or your red socks?” Giving your child the opportunity to make a decision will give him a sense of accomplishment. In turn, he will be excited to wear his socks. Likewise, if your child wants to have a sleepover on a weeknight, address the issue by asking her, “Leora, tonight is not great because it is a school night, but do you want to call Tali and see if you can sleep over for Shabbos or for Saturday night?” Allowing Leora to make this decision will enable her to take responsibility for her choices and make her feel like an adult.
Show respect for your child’s struggle: When your child is upset she believe that they are the only one in the world who feels that way. Whether your child is two or twelve years old, she wants to know that you understand what she is going through. Try something like, “Leora, I understand that you are upset because you want to sleep over at Tali’s house. I know how frustrating it is a school night and you aren’t allowed. Let’s talk about another solution.” This will help your child understand that you are on her side, even though you are saying no to her request.
Encourage children to use sources outside of the home: Often, as parents, we set ourselves up as the sole authority in our children’s lives. However, there are many “experts” outside of the home that can be called upon to help the child in their struggle. For instance, if your child wants a second piece of candy and you prefer that he does not eat it, suggest that your child speak to his dentist about candy. Alternatively, if your child’s pet fish is acting funny and he is anxious that you “fix” it, encourage him to speak to the local pet shop owner. This will take the focus off of the parent and place it on a different form of authority.
Time Alone: Once your child has begun to throw a tantrum, often they will not be able to have a constructive conversation with you. Instead, your child might need to figure out a way to calm down on his own. Placing the child in his room or a separate area of the house is an effective way to allow them to relax and be ready to talk.
It is important, though, that this time alone not be translated into a punishment. The child should be permitted to be in his room with his toys – the goal is simply for his to discover how to settle down on his own. Your child hates being out of control as much as you hate it. Therefore, when they manage to calm down, you should immediately comfort them and tell them how proud you are that they managed to relax. You should not, however, give in to whatever the request was that began the tantrum.
Closing Thoughts
Tantrums arise when children feel that they are not able to assert themselves and that they are not being listened to. In order to prevent and minimize tantrums, it is essential to empathize, empower, and communicate with your child. Undoubtedly, the tantrums will not cease completely, however, this approach will reduce and allow you to cope with the tantrums. More importantly, these strategies will allow your child to feel that you are aware of his desires, even if you do not give him all that he asks for.
