Photo Credit: Rifka Schonfeld

            Curiosity. Curiosity is about asking questions and wanting to know how the world works. The truth is that you cannot “teach” curiosity. You can, however, model curiosity when your children are little – asking your own questions and working with them to find the answers. You can also answer all questions, regardless of how silly or frequent they are. These questions will get longer and more important and as time goes on children will develop skills to find their own answers.

            Selfconfidence. Self-confidence is about believing in yourself. In order to take risks, fail, and continue again, you need to be confident that you are strong and capable. Part of self-confidence comes from success – and part of it comes from overcoming failure. As parents and educators, we have to let children fail when they deserve to fail in order to help them learn to overcome those failures.

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Parent-Teacher Partnership

Jessica Lahey adds another layer to Tough’s discussion of failure. She explains that as parents have gotten more involved in their children’s education and school systems, they have tried to prevent their children from failing. This lack of partnership between teachers and parents, Lahey argues, is hurting students and their futures. She writes:

            What has been lost, first and foremost, is the trust we must have in each other to help children through their mistakes and emerge with an education. Kids need the space to fail, and teachers need the time and benefit of the doubt to let that failure play out in the form of learning… When parents step in to defend a child’s poor choice or mistake or failure in order to avoid the “consequence” of that action or performance, they tend to lose sight of the face that if the student does not have the experience of making mistakes and living and learning with the consequences of that mistake or failure, college may be a very difficult experience thousands of miles away from the security of Mum and Dad when he eventually has to deal with an experience on his own. Mistakes are opportunities to grow. Failures or unsuccessful attempts are the same, and students need to live through those experiences to develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms to lift them and move them forward.

Lahey believes that parents should show teachers and children that they are partnered with the teachers. And they should allow students the space to fail, and teachers the space to fail students. Below are some of the ways she advises parents to show their partnership rather than opposition:

 

Show up with an attitude of optimism and trust.

Read the school’s attendance policy and follow it

Be friendly and polite

Project an attitude of respect for education

Make sure your first communication with a teacher is positive

Invite teacher feedback

Pause before emailing a teacher about a “crisis”

Let teachers know about big events unfolding at home

Find opportunities to express gratitude

 

The greatest gift you can give your kids this Chanukah? Lahey and Tough would both argue you should give them the gift of failure. Trust me, they’ll thank you later.


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An acclaimed educator and social skills ​specialist​, Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld has served the Jewish community for close to thirty years. She founded and directs the widely acclaimed educational program, SOS, servicing all grade levels in secular as well as Hebrew studies. A kriah and reading specialist, she has given dynamic workshops and has set up reading labs in many schools. In addition, she offers evaluations G.E.D. preparation, social skills training and shidduch coaching, focusing on building self-esteem and self-awareness. She can be reached at 718-382-5437 or at [email protected].