I was so inspired by Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead that I decided to share with you her thoughts on shame and parenting.
Brown’s whole philosophy includes the idea that we must live wholehearted lives. She says: Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think: No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
What are courage, compassion, and connection?
Courage. Shame is an emotion that tunnels inside of us – it cannot survive being shared. The most damaging thing we can do when we experience shame is to bury the story and hide it from everyone around us. It’s important to have courage and share the story with someone you trust. The root of the word courage actually comes from the Latin word for heart (cor). In that sense, courage can be about sharing your heart with someone else.
Compassion. While it is important to share the story, it is equally, if not more essential, to share the shame story with the right person. There are multiple ways well-intentioned friends can react that will not help assuage the shame. Some of those responses could be: anger at the person who did this to you, feeling bad for you, or wanting to make it better without really listening. You need to look for a friend who will demonstrate compassion – someone who will respond by saying, “Oh, man, that sounds terrible. I am so sorry. I’ve definitely been there. I can’t stand when I feel that way.”
Connection. Through your courage in sharing and your friend’s compassion, you have created a powerful connection to somebody outside of your shame. You can feel exposed to your shame, but also completely loved and accepted – which are the true antidotes to shameful thoughts. Remember, the definition of shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” Once you forge a connection, you feel you belong.
Brown argues that this wholehearted living must extend into our parenting. She explains that parenting is “a shame and judgment minefield” because as parents we wade through uncertainty and doubt when it comes to raising children. The fear that we are not perfect parents leads us to judge others, so that at least we can say, “Well, I’m better than you.” This creates a culture of shame and unworthiness which can lead to children who struggle with the same issues. Brown asks us not to ask the question, “Am I parenting the right way?” but, rather, “Am I the adult that I want my child to grow up to be?”
In reality, who we are teaches our children more than what we say, so we need to be what we want our children to become. Therefore, wholehearted parenting is not having it all figured out and passing it down. Rather, it is learning and exploring together with your children. Among the most important wholehearted parenting goals are to raise children who:
- Engage with the world from a place of worthiness
- Embrace their vulnerabilities and imperfections
- Value hard work, perseverance and respect
- Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others
- Don’t feel ashamed and unlovable if they are different or are struggling