As a parent, that means we must learn to:
- Acknowledge that we cannot give our children what we don’t have and, therefore, must let them share in our journey to grow, change and learn
- Recognize our own armor and model for our children how to take it off and become vulnerable
- Parent from a place of being “enough,” rather than feeling like you lack something essential
- Practice the values we want to teach
- Dare greatly, or take changes even if you fear failure
Here are two quick ways that you can begin to take on the wholehearted parenting mission: Think about messages you send. Watch what you do when your child first walks into a room. Do you immediately tell him, “Tuck in your shirt,” or “What’s that on your cheek?” While your reaction might come from a place of caring and compassion, your child simply sees this as a “What’s wrong this time?” moment. During those first few moments, flash a warm smile, give a quick kiss, and then point out all of those things that might be off. This helps your child know that he or she is worthy of love and belonging.
Watch those labels. Brown is not the first to discuss this concept, but there is a big difference between telling your child, “You are bad” and telling him, “You did something bad.” After all, if you label your child a “liar,” how can she feel there is any chance for her to change? Instead, let her know that you don’t like it when she lies because you want to have a relationship of love and trust. This takes the shame of being a liar out of the equation.
Brown’s research shows that people who are shamed when they are children often grow up to be adults who feel that they are never enough – for anybody or anything. She argues that this is because shame is linked to the fear of being unlovable. She writes, “For young children who are still dependent on their parents for survival – for food, shelter, and safety – feeling unlovable is a threat to survival. It’s trauma.” That’s why it is so important for us to parent our children without shame, so that home can be a place where they always belong.