I am not asking for my child to be the life of the party, or a social butterfly. I just want her to be happy and have some friends of her own. She is a wonderful kid, and I hope someday others can see that.”
Many parents of children with deficits in social skills echo this sentiment. They know that their child has many wonderful qualities to offer others, but their poor social skills often hamper them from establishing meaningful relationships. All children want desperately to have friends, but those who lag behind their peers in social competence often fail miserably when trying to make friends.
When a friend of mine expressed concern that her ten-year-old daughter, Shifra, was unhappy in school and had no friends, I suggested she find a way to observe her daughter closely when interacting with peers. That opportunity came up when Shifra’s teacher grouped the students for a class project, placing Shifra with two other girls to work on a poster.
Shifra’s mother invited the girls to her home after school to work on the project there. Her daughter was delighted at this rare social opportunity. This is what her mother observed:
“The two other girls were trying hard to create a poster while Shifra was clowning around, doing childish antics and showing off. One of the girls got upset and decided to go home before the work was half-finished. The other girl became provoked by Shifra’s behavior and a fight broke out, with both ending up in tears. Shifra was miserable. I was just trying to have fun,’ she sobbed. “Everyone’s so mean to me.”
For most children, basic social skills (e.g. initiating conversation, working cooperatively, respecting boundaries, observing conventional rules of courtesy) are acquired naturally. But for others, the process is much more difficult. Whereas many children learn these basic skills simply by exposure to social situations and positive role models, those with social skills deficits often need to be taught skills explicitly.
Non-verbal Communication
Children like Shifra may not have a reading disability in the usual sense but they are often unable to “read” cues related to social information, particularly nonverbal cues or “body language.” Or they may read the cues but fail to gauge the strength of the emotions conveyed.
In understanding how these children repeatedly suffer failure in social situations, it’s important to note that verbal language alone will often not convey all the information needed to understand a given social situation.
According to experts, between 25 to 65 percent of the communication in an average conversation is actually non-verbal, consisting of information that is related by facial expression, vocal intonation, pauses in the conversation, and body language.
These non-verbal messages must be processed together with the verbal communication for the true overall meaning to emerge. Those with non-verbal deficits, however, may be forced to rely on as little as 35 percent of the communication in order to discern what is being relayed and how to respond. It is no wonder, then, that the messages they receive are often skewed and misleading.
This holds true not only in social situations but in an academic setting as well, which explains why children with social skills deficits often experience learning difficulties.
Consider the following social interactions between six-year olds that highlight the breakdown in communication when, due to lapses in social skill development, nonverbal messages are not absorbed.
Eli and Meir are playing “Hatzalah.” They strap on walkie talkies and zoom off in make-believe Hatzalah cars (scooters) to a Hatzalah call, while they simulate the wail of sirens.
Moshe comes along and asks to play. “I wanna be a Hatzalah guy, too,” he tells them. “I can go on back of your scooter,” he suggests hopefully.
Eli and Meir are clearly not interested and their faces show it. (nonverbal communication). Eli moves his body to block the space behind him so Moshe can not get on (body language). Without pausing to register that he is not wanted, Moshe turns swiftly to Meir and boards his scooter before Meir can block him.
“Hey, get off!” Meir yells.
“Why? There’s room for me in back!” whines Moshe.
“Tough. We don’t let,” Meir snaps, pushing him off.
Crestfallen, Moshe gives the scooter a kick and the scooter and Meir fall over together. Meir jumps up and shoves Moshe. In a moment, the two are fighting fiercely. Eli joins the fray. No one is seriously hurt, but Moshe, by his response to rejection, has reinforced the very dynamics that precipitated that rejection in the first place.
In this typical conflict – that has a thousand variations wherever children are playing together – what is striking is that, in an effort to gain entry to the game, Moshe chooses the very tactics (aggressiveness, force) that are guaranteed to trigger if not intensify his social exclusion.
With the benefit of coaching in social skills, Moshe would have picked up the cues that Eli and Meir were set against him “piggy backing” on the back of their scooters. He might then have explored other avenues besides force to gain inclusion.
He might have offered to be the “patient” that the “Hatzalah guys” were on their way to help… or to be a policeman who directs traffic or accompanies the Hatzalah members on foot. By being reasonable and flexible, choosing to add something to the game instead of taking over the game, Moshe could have turned the situation around completely.
Similarly, had Shifra grasped the extent to which her classmates were put off by her inappropriate behavior, the outcome might have been very different. Instead, she misread their protests and the strength of their objections and persisted in thinking she could drag them along into “having fun” with her.
She was devastated when the get-together at her house – a social opportunity she had longed for – disintegrated. And she had no clue about what she had done to precipitate this turn of events.
“I used to think she was just immature,” her mother said. “But it’s more than that. It’s like she’s missing out on a certain sixth sense about how to behave that for most people comes naturally.”
Early Intervention
Special education experts are increasingly placing stress on a child’s social competence as a critical developmental process that is every bit as important as scholastic achievement – and perhaps more so. Without intervention – and the earlier the better – they say, children who demonstrate poor social skills may continue to experience problems into middle childhood and beyond that affect all facets of life.
One of the most important things parents can do for children with social skills deficits is an obvious and simple one: observe them in interactions with others whenever possible. This will enable you to gain a deeper understanding of their social strengths and weaknesses.
In addition, the following steps, advocated by Dr. Richard Lavoie, a widely acclaimed expert in special education, have proven very helpful.
- Design an unobtrusive “signal system” with the child to use in social situations. For example, if the child tends to “perseverate” (talking about only one topic of scant interest to the listener) or excessively tease or roughhouse, design a signal (cross your arms, snap your finger) that alerts him to stop. In this way, you can halt troubling behaviors without causing undue embarrassment.
- Establish reward systems to reinforce and recognize appropriate social behavior. Be willing to recognize and reinforce even the smallest signs of progress and growth. Do not harp on the inevitable setbacks in your child’s social interactions.
- Continually reinforce social information. Many social skill deficits are caused by a lack of basic social information, such as how to break the ice when being introduced to someone. Tips such as smile, nod cordially; make eye contact, ask a question; offer to help in some, way may seem self-evident but they are far from obvious to the socially inept.
- Provide the child with a positive model of appropriate social skills. Be certain that your behavior mirrors the skills that you are teaching your students (e.g., temper control, courteous listening).
- Role-play situations where the child is prompted to empathize with another person or practice new social skills by simulating life-like situations that call for the exercise of those skills (asking directions; working out a disagreement; apologizing; giving praise; initiating or disengaging from a conversation).
Don’t
- Discourage the child from establishing relationships with students who are a year or two younger. He may be seeking his developmentally or emotionally appropriate level. By befriending younger students, he may enjoy a degree of status, confidence and acceptance that he does not experience among his peers.
- Place the child in highly-charged competitive situations. These are often a source of great anxiety and failure for students with learning problems and social deficits. Rather, focus upon participation, enjoyment, contribution and satisfaction in competitive activities – not on winning or losing.
- Scold or reprimand the child when she tells you about social confrontations or difficulties that she has experienced. She will respond by refusing to share these incidents with you. Rather, thank her for sharing the experience with you and discuss optional strategies that she could have used.
- Attempt to teach social skills at times of high stress. Rather, approach the child at a time when he is relaxed and receptive (ex: Suri, next week you will be going to Faygie’s birthday party. Let’s practice how you will hand her your gift and what you will say when she opens it and thanks you.).
Seize The Summer
Helping a child overcome a deficit in this area, like any other form of remediation, is a process that takes time. Because summer vacation offers an expanded range of social opportunities that are not available during the more structured winter months, this is an ideal time for social skills coaching.
Within the framework of camp, group sports, family outings and neighborhood get-togethers, the particular social skills that are being worked on can constantly be tested “in the field.” In addition, because of the more relaxed pace of day-to-day life, progress is more easily measured and observed.
Inasmuch as social skills deficits often accompany learning difficulties, a program that combines the two forms of remediation, implemented over the summer months, can make an enormous difference in your child’s development. Those children whose parents see to it that they capitalize strongly on the summer’s opportunities for emotional and scholastic growth are the lucky ones.
