Dear Dating Coach,
I am pretty new to the shidduch process but I think it’s all kind of silly. A resume? A picture? The whole thing feels like a job application! Let someone interested in me or my family just call people who might know us to find out more. And I’m sure if they really wanted, they could unearth a picture or two of me as well. We are so interconnected, it doesn’t feel hard to find “someone who knows someone.” The resume feels so formal and official. How can anyone possibly “know” me from a piece of paper? I want to opt out and do this in a way that feels more organic. My mother, however, is threatening to write one for me herself if I don’t. She reads this column. Please tell her I am right.
Open Book
Dear Open,
I love those stories. She was at a Shabbos meal she wasn’t even invited to, and he was the host’s nephew only there for Shabbos. She married her roommate from seminary’s brother after said roommate deemed them “perfect for each other.” He was introduced to his boss’s neighbor when he accidentally dropped off a package at the wrong house. She was set up by her friend who dated “him” and knew he was right for her bestie instead.
Looking For Someone…
We have all heard a story like this. Maybe even a few. But for every one of those “kismet” encounters, there are countless shidduch daters networking and researching through “names” to date. They diligently put in the time and effort to find a possible match. Sadly, we often don’t know where our potential zivug might live or who he might be friends with, and so we need to be lucky enough to receive and gather information in a way that might be less than “organic.”
With Middos and Memes.
A resume allows you to offer clear, concise, and direct information to someone potentially interested in you. It allows you to control the narrative and the information direction that others take when someone suggests “your name.” Sure, we are often interconnected and they might know someone who knows you. Perhaps your eighth-grade teacher (not your best year!) or your neighbors (whom you don’t get along with!). Yes, they might be able to find a picture of you from a camp play (you were dressed as a Bubby!) or with your mouth full of food at a wedding (when someone surreptitiously snapped a picture to share with their aunt who has an eligible son). Your resume offers a classy snapshot of who you are, written in a way that allows a shadchan or family to get a picture of who you are quickly and accurately. Adding a picture gives you control over how you present, looking your best.
Write one today.
Simply put your name, city, phone number, date of birth, height, and a photo of your choosing. Add your parents’ names and occupations, and siblings’ names and where they are holding (if they are married and to whom and where they live). Then add your high school education, yeshiva or seminary, and degree if applicable. Finally, include your work and volunteer experience if you have any. Many daters will also add a paragraph to describe themselves and what they are looking for. This can include personality traits, interests, and what you value.
Lastly and most importantly, a trusted list of references should be added with your relationship to them and a clear way to reach them. These references can often make or break a shidduch. They should really know you and have positive things to share. Your completed resume might replace a more natural progression to meeting someone, but it allows you to present yourself in a way that feels true to you and highly authentic. A resume gives you the power to tell a shadchan and potentially interested parents who you are through your own hand. Instead of fighting that, embrace it and cultivate a resume that allows you to meet someone with meticulous care instead of waiting for your “magical” connection story to come to you.