The Pasha
Our home is a house of mourning today. I awakened to the sounds of sobbing and followed the path which led to Violet’s room. She has been up the entire night watching the last moments of her beloved mother’s life as it was shared on her video screen from the Philippines. I stroked her back and hugged her and hoped that there would be a miracle for her sake, yet knowing that the family was surrounding her mother’s bed, holding her hands, stroking her arms, and that they knew what was imminent. Minutes later, her mother’s last breath and the heartbreak began.
It was important to explain to Hubby why she was crying, and why she is not with him this morning. He was so upset to know that his beloved Violet is in pain and he wanted to go to her. I explained that this was her time to be with her family, and that we needed to understand. He held his head, felt her grief and then, as all experiences we have, he lost the memory of what had transpired only minutes ago.
“Let me be a Pasha again!” he proclaimed. I asked if he could use other words to describe Pasha. He could not. He kept repeating the phrase, and suddenly he saluted me like a soldier on parade. He thanked me for allowing him to be a “Pasha again.” I knew I had to figure this out, it is not just gibberish. It is something important to him and I want to understand. Suddenly, I asked him “Are you saying that you want to be a soldier again?” No, he said “I want to be strong again.” The pieces fell into place. He wants to protect me, to protect Violet, and have the strength to do it. Once I acknowledged his communication, he thanked me, saluted me again, and returned to reading the newspaper. These are not the ramblings of a person who is crazy. It is the heartfelt expression of deep feelings, for which the words no longer can be accessed. He is satisfied that I understand, and that is sufficient. As I wrote in the chapter some time ago “When Words Fail” these new words become Hubby’s vocabulary and permanently replace the others which he cannot remember. I will be hearing about his need to be a Pasha for a very long time to come.
I recall the word Pasha from the little that I know about Turkey. It is the title of the highest-ranking soldier of the Ottoman Empire. While this is not a word which I would know other than from a historical film, Hubby would have learned about the Ottoman empire, having been brought up in Europe. I on the other hand learned about the thirteen original American colonies, Pocahontas, and Captain John Smith every year, ad nauseam. It is quite shocking how the American school system has, for a very long time, quite ignored much of the world’s history. I do remember studying the main agricultural crop of different countries when I took geography, but the World Wars were somehow considered beyond our intellectual capacity. Little wonder that history repeats itself.
Pasha is also the name of a beautiful butterfly which exists in the Middle East and Africa. I am quite sure that it not what Hubby had in mind. The word “Pasha” equated with powerful, and Hubby will retain that definition.
The sadness of the day has been complicated by Violet’s need to be with friends and family and to take a break from Hubby and myself. She has arranged for a substitute caregiver for the next two and a half days. This creates additional stress for me even though it is quite necessary for her to take the time off. A new caregiver (as our regulars have other jobs and are not available mid-week), knows nothing of Hubby’s regime. Thus, everything from his pills, to the way the breakfast is cut into small amounts so that he will not choke, to his wardrobe, his hygiene, all will need my attention. By the time she is familiar with it all, she will leave. I can only hope that it was an investment of my energies, and that she will be available as a substitute again in the future.
I suppose that even the great Pashas of the Turkish Empire had their cadre of “servants” trying to make their powerful leader content. One can only wonder whether their lives were in mortal danger when they made a mistake. I would not want to risk any such errors with my in-house powerful Hubby-Pasha, that is for sure!
