Can Mom Or Dad Live Alone?
Having a parent with memory loss/dementia forces responsibilities on their adult children which could never have been imagined. How does one go from being the child, to a reversal of roles? That is only necessary if one (or both) of the parents can no longer care for themselves. This could be as a result of a physical issue, or the decline of the ability to make decisions which are crucial to health and survival. It may well be that a husband insists on caring for his wife with dementia, or vice-versa. Our inclination is to say “If that is what they want… it is their life.” But, until one understands what is required of the spouse insisting on control, the decision should not be final.
One can understand the ferocious guarding of one’s privacy. Couples whom have lived alone for decades are often unwilling to consider a stranger in their midst. But that indeed may be exactly what they require.
Would a parent, 80 or 90 years of age, actually be able to care for their partner on their own? Would they be able to physically assist them when they are unstable on their feet? Will they be able to lift them when they fall? Wash them if they require assistance? Prepare meals? Shop for food? Wash the dishes daily? Order medications? Administer the medications on time for themselves or their spouse? Make doctor appointments? Wash soiled linens and clothing daily? Make the beds frequently? This is a physical and emotional challenge for younger people who accept the task. It would be devastating for an aged spouse.
Would an older parent be able to understand when their mate is in distress requiring medical attention? Would they be able to use the Heimlich maneuver to save their spouse from choking on their food if/when swallowing becomes problematic?
It was not my intention to write about this subject, however after reading a posting from a woman asking for advice who had just been shocked by the state of her mother’s home, I sat down at my computer to process what I had read. This adult daughter had gone to her mother’s home to do some cleaning. She discovered that the refrigerator was no longer working and she had no idea how long it had been without power. The food was moldy. She found maggots in the fridge. Her mother had been eating the food oblivious to the situation. Her mother had been physically ill for some time, but the daughter had no idea why. Now she knew. My first reaction, and probably yours as well, was “How did the daughter NOT know?” Clearly it was because the daughter had accepted the mother’s demand to stay in her own home but had not realized that in allowing that choice, she (the daughter) would still need to be much more involved in the mother’s care. A woman who can eat food with fungus and maggots is unable to make any decisions at all. She will not shower or clean herself, she will live in filth and must be cared for by someone.
Even when a well-intentioned partner or spouse wants to care for their loved one with (or without) dementia, there can come a point when it is just beyond their ability either physically or emotionally.
For parents who live alone in their homes, frequent visits are required, not just a few times a week, but a few times a day. Buying them groceries and dropping them off while running to other appointments, is not sufficient. They need company. They need you. They need someone to care about them and be physically present.
Once there is evidence that mental faculties have declined severely there is no option but to bring another caregiver into their home, if they truly demand to remain there. If that is not possible, then their demands must be superseded by what is critically necessary. What they want and what is needed for their health and safety might be very different things.
It is not unusual for an aging couple to move into an Assisted Living facility, but that will not give full time care for a parent if that is what is required. A full- time caregiver may be necessary to be with the parent 24/7. If one is able to hire that form of assistance, it may well be possible for the parent to actually stay in their own home without the need to go to a residential care home. Each case is unique.
Some memory care facilities will allow couples to stay together. Often a husband or wife will not want to leave their ailing spouse, and if at all possible, every effort should be made to make that possible. When close friends of mine were separated by their adult children after more than fifty years of marriage, physically separated by the Atlantic Ocean as each had children from a previous marriage only willing to care for one of the parents, it was heartbreaking.
We hold in our hands decisions which will either make the last years of our loved ones, full of kindness or full of neglect. When an individual with mental decline makes demands that will cause themselves harm… we have no option but to step in and guide them through the balance of their life. It may begin with a refusal to be assessed by a doctor when you as the loved one know absolutely that it is needed.
It is not a given than an older person must not live alone, but once that loved one is no longer able to lift his/herself up from an unexpected fall, forgets to eat meals, leaves the stovetop alight, walks out their door having no idea that it is the middle of the night and not knowing their way home, cannot manage their medications, the warning signs have become flashing laser beams! That is when the decision making must begin to shift, and those of us who truly care will find a way to improve the balance Mom or Dad’s life. We would want someone to care enough to do the same for us one day!
