The Consequences Of Anger
Normal anger is a reasonable reaction to conditions we find unfair. We can be angry at God for our fate. We can be angry at the next-door neighbor for playing their music too loud. We can be angry at someone for cutting into line, or for driving recklessly. Being angry with someone who has cognitive decline is a disaster. But then, their own anger is often the source.
My mother-in-law of blessed memory, used to tell Hubby that his “filthy temper would get him in trouble one day!” She was right…and he knew it. It was tolerable when he was in his 40’s and 50’s because his anger actually was rational – albeit a “touch” to the extreme.
I can still remember when our competitor in business, had the nerve to walk into our store and begin measuring the custom cabinets that we had designed to display our merchandise. Hubby heard about it and went ballistic. He drove over to their store, walked in and gave them an “earful”. When this physically powerful man warned them of the consequences of their actions… they listened! I am sure their customers were looking for the nearest exit. The merchant never did that again! And then there were the Hollywood film studios that found excuses for not paying their bills. Their excuse was always- “It is caught up in the computer.” Whatever that was supposed to imply, was a ruse. It was not THEIR fault that they could not pay us just a computer glitch. So, Hubby went to the Beverly Hills corporate offices, gave them “what-for” and returned with a check, paid-in-full. There were definitely times when his anger was justified and served its purpose.
For Hubby today, it does not take much to inflame his fury. Touch him unexpectedly and he reacts as though his life is at risk. If the water is too cold in the shower, he screams. If he is pushed to move quickly or asked to eat more, his anger swells. It doesn’t take much, because he cannot control his response. He can feel remorse, having exploded, but he cannot stop the explosion.
Tonight, Violet was trying to help Hubby change his clothes. Whatever she did “wrong” in his estimation was cause for him to become furious and frighten her. This is not the first time she has seen him upset. It passes as quickly as it appears, but our reactions are normal ones even if his are not. We become angry at the unreasonableness of the verbal attack, and perhaps frightened by this unwarranted reaction to a fairly mild discomfort or inconvenience.
When I saw that she was “welling up” with tears. I knew Hubby had once again gone a “step too far.” He knew immediately that he had upset her. She tried to hide it. She shrugged it off and went into the kitchen. In the kitchen, I found her wiping her eyes and I felt terrible. Her previous patient was unable to communicate his needs or his anger. This was a new chapter in her playbook. Not a good one, but I hope one that she will be able to tolerate.
Hubby was so aware of the hurt he had caused, that he got out of bed to find her. He peeked around the corner and asked her if she was alright. He apologized profusely. Knowing one has done wrong, even in his condition, is very different from being able to control what led up to his verbal fury.
His “anger issues” became a severe problem a couple of years ago. Medication administered every 5 hours has kept his reactions milder than they had been. When he was out of control, I found myself out of control. One anger fed on the other and the result was almost catastrophic.
When I could not take the arguing over absurdities, I would react out of desperation and stalk out of the house and meet a friend to cool down over a cup of coffee. Those were the days when restaurants were still open, and when I could leave Hubby on his own for an hour or two with no fear of serious consequences. Even with excellent medication, which improves all of our lives under normal circumstances, it does not take a great deal to raise Hubby’s fury. I think that the anger may initially be a chemical imbalance in the brain, but must also be linked to a distorted perception of when he is in “danger.” I must presume this is caused by a lack of blood flow to certain parts of the brain which deal with this perception. His reactions can be totally out of proportion to the perceived – “danger”. By the time I returned home from my mini-escape, Hubby would have calmed down. He became concerned that something had happened to me in the dark of night and I returned to a veritable “lamb.”
On a personal level, I rarely get angry at him anymore. I can get depressed at the situation, or impatient when I cannot calm him but anger from me would fuel his into something far worse.
When Hubby gets upset, his blood pressure shoots up. He feels nauseous and has physical reactions which he can no longer tolerate.
Some people when they are ill, are sweet and appreciative that others care for them and are considerate of them. Hubby is a rotten patient! Sweet to the nurses (because they were always young and cute), but when in pain and feeling sorry for himself he was never particularly kind to the rest of us.
Perhaps what we are experiencing at this moment, is a micro-version of the “old” Hubby. He was really happy all day today singing along with Frank Sinatra and Michael Bublé for hours. He is even singing a cappella now at midnight, although I refuse to put on the recordings for him at this late hour. When he sings, he is full of joy. That made his unexpected moments of anger this evening – such an unexpected shock eliciting such an emotional response from Violet, who is gentle, sweet and has unending patience.
It is the unpredictability of the personality that can make any form of Dementia, enormously stressful for spouses and caregivers who have no option but to deal with the “unfairness” of it all. It is what it is. And what it is is no “piece of cake!”
