The Secret
“A Battle of Wills” defines the relationship between a dementia patient and the person closest to them, trying to care for their best interests.
One example is Hubby’s recent aversion to certain foods – indeed, food in general. In the never-ending battle to keep Hubby nourished enough to survive, his physical health has rebounded considerably. After discovering that one new pill a day would prevent his negative attitude toward meals (because it reduced the urge to vomit), he is eating a bit better and has more energy as a result. It took a very long time for his multitude of doctors to realize that his inability to enjoy or even tolerate food, was a result of a constant low level of nausea resulting from the mixture of his large assortment of medications. These same meds keep him alive. They cannot all simply be omitted from his daily regime. We have decided however which ones can be reduced. As a person ages, there are new considerations when administering the magic! While one medication might thin the blood and thus help prevent a heart attack, it may also make the blood so thin that a fall impacting the head could cause a massive bleed, stroke, or perhaps even death. A caring doctor will sit with us and discuss the pros and cons. Ultimately it is always our decision as to which medications to retain and which to delete. No one else really wants the responsibility in this situation. It may be a bit like flipping a coin to decide, but the odds usually lead us to the best possible decision.
A word of warning however: Each specialist thinks his prescription is critical. You need to talk to a G.P. or someone well versed in drug interactions to look at the total patient. Very few specialists are aware of all of your spouse’s medications. Even if he/she had been given a list at one time, medications change all the time and critical information can slip between the cracks. Not only do certain medications not work well with others, but in our case, the multiplicity of pills was preventing Hubby from eating. Food sustains life. Pills are intended to be an assist to survival, but they are not sufficient on their own.
After months of cancellations, we finally had success with a new ear doctor who cleaned Hubby’s ears, hence he is no longer deaf. We are no longer having fights about the things he thought I said, which I never emoted! His anger at my bad diction is gone. Apparently, the appointment magically improved my ability to enunciate my words properly.
Lately Hubby has been announcing that he is on the mend. A good trick for a gentleman at the age of 94, with multiple conditions. Still, being able to enjoy food and actually consume it, does give one a new lease on life. This is all relevant to what was to follow.
Hubby has become passionate about going to Melabev (his “club” for the elderly with memory loss) and twice a week spends his afternoons there.
Upon his return yesterday at 6 P.M. I heard his analysis of the changes of staff, quality of staff, diminished attendance, programming problems, and his analysis of the financial ramifications of it all. He fears that they may close their doors and that a smaller number of employees is proof-positive that it is inevitable. He repeated his analysis so many times that I found my favorite corner to sit in – where I can avoid hearing the banter. As I look at the word “banter” I am wondering if it is an accurate vocabulary choice. It implies a back-and-forth conversation between two people. Hubby does not actually have someone else in the conversation, he “banters” with himself.
For some reason, Hubby finds my presence irritating this evening. What could it possibly be? He has had the full attention all day of the lovely Violet who attends to his every request. “Wifey” is not so sweet and compliant. But then “Wifey” does not get a paycheck for her services, and does not get three nights a week and Saturdays off, so she has her excuse for being a bit surly.
From my almost hiding place I hear whispering. It sounds like a little child telling a secret to his friend. It is indeed Hubby whispering to Violet. He has a secret he does not want me to hear. He tells her about this lovely new woman who was leading the singing-session at Melabev. He reports that his buddy there said that she was “a real looker…quite a dish,” or something similar. Hubby is frustrated that he cannot remember her name. She invited him to join her in singing aloud for the class. He was flattered beyond belief. He admitted that the others in the group barely sang at all, but he was thrilled to have been singled out for the spotlight. He is convinced that she has a crush on him. He certainly has one on her or it would not be a hushed conversation.
When he came around the corner to lay on his bed, I asked who this person is that he was discussing so secretly.
“You heard me?” He asked shocked and perhaps a tad embarrassed.
“Yes, I did.” (Evoking no emotional reaction…just a statement of fact.)
Hubby would like it if I were jealous. Of course, I am not. He is quite convinced that he has this secret female admirer, and he feels that it is none of my business… hence the whispering.
He laid on his bed and began a conversation, looking at me the whole time. It was not actually a conversation…because he would ask a question and when I tried to answer, he would say:
“I am not talking to you!”
“So… to whom are you talking? There are only two of us in this room.”
“To him!” He points at an enlarged photo of himself, thirty years ago, in his Israeli Army uniform from his years of volunteer service. He is quite gorgeous in the photo, muscular and vital. The photo is indeed behind me, on the wall, and in Hubby’s line of sight. I respond:
“You are talking to the photograph? That is a picture of you…”
“Yes” and yet Hubby continues telling the “other him” about his childhood, his brothers, his girlfriends of years gone by. I am invisible.
Frustrated by an evening where I was totally irrelevant, I say goodnight and turn down the lights hoping that Hubby will calm down and go to sleep. The excitement he is experiencing is surreal. I need to leave the room as it is all too much for me. I gave Hubby his final medications and left him to his illusions. I expect that he will have sweet dreams filled with young damsels trying to win his affections.
A day full of real issues, ending in a fantasy. Such a roller coaster ride!
