Where Did I Lose Me?
A 4:30 AM, an incoming message on WhatsApp was a jolt I was not expecting. “I won’t look at it!” I said aloud. Another message arrives, and the brain starts to think of all the emergencies which could be taking place in other time zones – which might need my immediate attention. I push off the yummy pink blanket and take a peek as the words glow in the dark bedroom. I was glad to receive the information but told the sender to “Go back to bed.”
Now, overstimulated, I find my mind shooting off in many directions. My world has become suddenly interesting. My terrific neighbor, has offered to help me set up a website to share The Dementia Diary articles. I am now the proud owner of “thedementiadiary.com”. My brain has been activated and I keep getting out of bed to write down ideas for the site, what I want to offer. Actually, if you are reading this entry on the site – you are seeing the fruits of my labor. We began developing it in November 2021 and it took time and a great deal of thought to design it and get the site in full working order. I truly hope you are enjoying what it has to offer. This entry will help the reader to understand why I am as excited as a kitten with a ball of yarn!
Remembering the “old me” feels much like I am talking about a different person – the person I was before Hubby began to experience illness and subsequent memory loss almost ten years ago. At one time I was an avid participant in a great book club, loving the read, the friendships, and the analysis. Once Hubby began needing so much attention and care, my ability to focus diminished. Reading a book became arduous. It was hard to find blocks of time just for me. I regrettably resigned. I keep buying books to download onto my iPad, but find it very hard to stick with them, especially with Hubby’s constant requirements – there are too many distractions.
Creativity requires focus (there is that word again.) I design and make one- of-a-kind jewelry from natural stones. At one time I had world-wide private collectors. In recent years, it became harder and harder to find blocks of time to think of design, texture, line color and beauty. I have over a hundred pieces designed but not yet created, waiting patiently for me to get my act together. My designing of jewelry was replaced by attention to Hubby’s needs, and demands. Although there is a beautiful stock of unique pieces complete, priced and inventoried, there has been no time (or energy) for me to share them with others. If one does not sell their creations, it becomes harder to be inspired to continue creating.
Being a woman who loves to share her thoughts, I began writing and publishing articles on politics, international affairs and social issues years ago. That too requires the time to invest in understanding the issues and trying to come to the core of the truth before writing and being scrutinized. Time is the one commodity that seems to slip away from a care-giver’s life. My attention towards writing about social concerns, has been redirected to creating “The Dementia Diary.” It was important for me to stay in the moment in my own life. I left the convoluted world of political wheeling, dealing and deceptions to others. I half-jokingly respond to those who wish me to continue writing my political assessments, that “I told everyone what needed to be done, in over a hundred published articles… and no one listened!” But that is only in jest. I asked questions so that others would do the same.
This is the seventieth chapter of “The Dementia Diary” which I have written, and I see a healthy change in myself. Although Hubby’s condition is far worse that I had ever imagined it would become, I am continuing to grow in spite of the pain. As a result of the experiences, thoughts and conclusions that have evolved from sharing these life lessons with my diary, my own existence improves daily. Attitude is everything.
In recent months, friends who have read different entries of the diary, have begun asking me if I would be willing to share my gained knowledge with friends of theirs who are beginning to care for a partner with memory loss. It is quite rewarding to sit with others who share their stresses, fears and problems and help them to move toward solutions. This is essentially why I write this diary. Working with others going through so much that I too have experienced, also refocuses my energies in a positive direction. Everyone needs to grow and feel that their journey has had purpose.
The year and a half while we were all trying to escape the Covid-19 virus, was intense for all of us. For those who were care-givers for spouses with memory loss, it was indeed excruciating. With nowhere to go – to escape the daily stresses which mounted one upon the other, depression was the order of the day. Almost everyone in the world can relate with their own experiences. It was hard for many of us to be positive and think about the future when the present was dark and foreboding. Somewhere along the way, I lost Barbara…
Now, suddenly, my mind is spinning with ideas for this website. Energized with thoughts of sharing each of the chapters I have written, sharing resources, and systems I have developed to cope with the requirements of a care-giver. I am looking forward to giving the readers my favorite recipes to please their partner’s palate, and to opening online discussions for whatever issue which is plaguing a reader. I will continue to write about this journey as long as there are insights that may help others to understand its complexity for those that they love. All of this is incredibly gratifying.
The creative juices are flowing once again, and it feels like I have been born again, with fascinating possibilities somewhere in the future. This feels so much better than I had ever imagined. I think I have found me!
