G-d Laughs
When caring for a loved one with cognitive decline, one can feel quite overwhelmed. Is a chat with G-d on the horizon?
Running into a friend at a local mall, is always a great opportunity for an instantaneous heart to heart chat. Today, I unexpectedly came upon a new friend from my Zoom support group whose husband also attends Melabev (Hubby’s club for people with memory loss.) Her spouse’s memory loss has her in a tailspin. We have discussed it a few times. She says she hears me. She respects what I am sharing with her to help her on her journey. That is gratifying.
Today she was full of angst about not knowing what is around the corner in her life. She hates not being in control. With her hubby’s challenges, as with all spouses whose loved ones are no longer able to manage their own affairs, everything has landed plop in her lap. This is a reoccurring theme among women caring for their husbands. They always thought that their Hubbies had their finances under control. As good wives, they did not ask too many questions. They were psychologically unprepared, from the years when all went swimmingly well. Suddenly it seems that nothing is going as planned, and it is overwhelming. I will call my friend “Mrs. H.” for the sake of not having to use the term my friend over and over. Repetition is a writer’s nightmare.
Within seconds of our initial greeting, and while still standing in the walkway in front of the shops, Mrs. H. seamlessly segued into a story about her parents who were survivors from the Holocaust. They came to America as immigrants, and were uncomfortable with her future in-laws, who had wealth and position in American society. For those of us who are lucky enough to have been born to American parents who did not see the horrors of Europe during World War II, it is hard to fathom how difficult their transition must have been when they arrived on Eastern shores. My own grandparents came from Russian-Poland, from Vilna. They arrived before the war and worked very hard to find a way of life that would sustain them in the free world. Still, I must admit, that I was unclear as to why Mrs. H. had shared this with me in the middle of the mall. And now you are unclear as to why I have shared it with you.
When Mrs. H. started talking about G-d having a plan. It reminded me of the old saying “Man plans and G-d laughs.” We human beings fool ourselves into believing that we are in control of our destinies. It is quite absurd really. Personally, I have lived through a massive earthquake, wars, and a pandemic. I would have to be a fool to think that I am actually in control of much at all.
Mrs. H. is very stressed at all the new responsibilities she faces daily. She shares with me that she believes in G-d. I suggested that she needed to bring that belief into her consciousness daily. I am not proselytizing. If she truly believes that G-d exists, and that G-d ultimately controls all, then indeed she has the opportunity to relieve herself of the massive weight on her own shoulders. Being imperfect is allowed. Not being all-knowing is understandable. Giving yourself permission to fail sometimes relieves the impossible expectation of perfection. Of course, there will be times when the unexpected will be awaiting us all. It is part of our vulnerability as human beings. We are not omniscient and cannot right all the inevitable wrongs that may come our way. Can one believe that G-d is in control of our lives, but that we are personally still responsible for everything? They seem to be conflicting concepts.
I asked Mrs. H. why, if she believes everything is in G-d’s hands, she could at the same time feel that everything is in her own? She looked startled. Sometimes, we accept certain concepts blithely (on face value), but then do not truly internalize their true essence.
If we are able to become philosophical about the life which has been handed to us without our permission, it is sometimes easier to accept our own limitations. If we pardon ourselves for being unable to juggle it all, that permission removes much of our anxiety. It is our reactions to the very real daily stresses that we encounter, which damage us both physically and emotionally.
Resolution: I will forgive me for my imperfections and hope that you too, will do the same. We all deserve this generous gift which only we can give to ourselves.
