Good News/Bad News
We have all been offered this option: “Which would you like to hear first, the good news or the bad news?” As you cannot actually respond, I will start with the bad news.
Last night Hubby was reading the newspaper in the living room. Violet was in the kitchen and I was in the adjacent dining room on my computer. A sudden crash in the room brought screams from the three of us. The glass cocktail table with its vase full of pink flowers and water, a lamp, sundry bowls of candies, photographs in frames, all went flying. The thick glass table-top was perched upon two pink marble bases. They were on flipped onto their sides and the glass was now laying against them on the floor. Hubby had tried to lift himself from the sofa, had lost his balance …fell and landed on top of flowers, the vase and the water inside of it. There was blood streaming down his forehead, getting dangerously close to his right eye. Together Violet and I lifted him from the floor and placed him on the sofa. The egg-sized lump was showing already above his eye. He had hit his head on the glass table in the process of falling. The wound was smaller than some in the past, and we are expert at treating them these days. I gave no thought to the fact that if Hubby was sitting on the floor, that he was actually sitting in a pool of water absorbed by the carpet. Once again, I must mention that having carpeting in a home where someone has poor balance, can actually be life-saving. Falls are cushioned. Many broken bones are avoided, and in the elderly, it is often the fractures from a bad fall which begin a spiral of hospitalizations, infections, and can ultimately be terminal. This is a serious issue to consider for all of us.
Much later, Hubby mentioned that his sweatpants were wet. Of course, they were! As was everywhere he had sat in the aftermath of tipping over the vase full of water and the glass cocktail table. Fresh clothes were the order of the day. Towels already adorned a good portion of the living area!
We constantly ask Hubby to tell us when he wants to rise up from the sofa or a chair, so that we can assist him. We remind him because we are programmed to do so. That is what normal people say to others, it is reasonable. What is not easy for caregivers to absorb, is that the person in their care will not be able to process the message. It will mean nothing to them and it will not change their future behavior, even when it is for their own benefit. We are talking to the air. The message goes up to the heavens rather than to our loved ones.
When Hubby has one of these unexpected falls, it takes its toll. It matters not how many times this has happened in the past. It knocks the wind out of all of us. His body goes into a kind of shock. He spends hours resting and sleeping in the aftermath. Our stomachs are in knots from the stress as well. Hubby is never able to eat a meal after a fall such as this. He just feels too queasy. There went my plan for a lovely dinner for the two of us. I remember scrounging for something to eat. I discovered left-over edamame, French brie, a newly cooked fresh artichoke and was satiated. Hubby could only manage one slice of buttered brioche toast. (We just discovered brioche bread – slightly higher in sugar than regular white bread. Hubby is happy with anything sweet, so this is a winner of the “Hubby will be willing to eat it” competition.)
That was the bad news. Now to the good news: The thick glass table top did not crack, break or shatter. The last time we had a similar accident (caused by a child leaning on the glass and tipping it over), we had glass segments everywhere. The new replacement glass was thicker, thankfully. Had the glass broken and gashed Hubby in the face or elsewhere, he most certainly would have needed to go to the Emergency Room. As you know full well, from previous musings, this is absolutely a last resort at this point in Hubby’s life. Patients with dementia do very poorly in hospitals in general, and E.R. rooms in specific. (This is explained in detail in thedementiadiary.com chapter titled: “To E.R. or Not to E.R.?”)
Good news #2: The visible new crack in the bottom of my favorite vase, is not releasing the liquid inside and so does not require replacement yet.
Good news #3: The lamp on the table still works.
Hubby was surprised to find a lump on his head this morning. When he looked in the mirror, he asked how he got the gash on his forehead. He had forgotten the incident entirely. That is good news as well. No joy in remembering pain.
More good news. Hubby asked if today was Thursday. Which it is. He remembered that he goes to Melabev, (his club), on Thursday. He said “We need to get ready to go!” We reminded him that it is closed for two days, so he will stay home today. Two minutes later he asked the same question about going to Melabev. Each time he asked the question, he heard his own voice, and unexpectedly responded:
“Of course, you told me…they are closed today! Silly me!” That he remembered at all was a mini-miracle!
When caring for someone with any form of dementia or memory loss, it is critical to remember the good news as well as the bad. The measure of what gives us pleasure these days is very different that one might expect. The unexpected positive moments are indeed to be savored!
